


All The Things We Never Were

by KayCeeCruz



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Drug Use, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-06
Updated: 2010-12-06
Packaged: 2017-10-13 13:13:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 42,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/137762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayCeeCruz/pseuds/KayCeeCruz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>After the death of his father, Luke Snyder breaks apart, losing himself and everything he loves. Admitting he needs help and recovering from his illness, he pushes away the man he loved. Through years and lovers and heartbreaks and tears, Noah is Luke's one constant, best friend and biggest supporter. </i></p><p><i>Noah Mayer decided long ago that if he could only be Luke's friend then he would take that position happily. Over years of struggles and joys and surprising twists, he finds that the life he has - and the daughter he is raising - are missing the very thing he is afraid of wanting - Luke. </i></p><p><i>Can these two men find a way past the pain and fear to find their happiness again?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	All The Things We Never Were

**Author's Note:**

> Written for LiveJournal's NukeBigBang 2010. I have a few people to give a shout out to: thanks to ladysonsie for taking a first look at this and telling me it didn't suck. To noelleleithe for being the awesome and patient beta she is and kicking my ass all the way to the end. My love, tsarcasm for editing the shit out of it and cheerleading.
> 
> So much love and thanks to my artist, wouldbedorothy, for the kick ass fanmix. You guys need to hear how well it goes with the story oh my god, and all the pretty art. Oh, and for helping me find CJ! ;) Make sure to leave her nice feedback [here.](http://wouldbedorothy.livejournal.com/73426.html)
> 
> Original idea for the story was inspired by Britney Spears “Out From Under” (no, really). Full lyrics can be found [here.](http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/britneyspears/outfromunder.html)

  


_I don't wanna dream about  
All the things that never were  
Maybe I can live without  
When I'm out from under  
I don't wanna feel the pain  
What good would it do me now  
I'll get it all figured out  
When I'm out from under_

 

 **|Prologue|**

 

 _~Oakdale, April 2017~_

 

He wonders if you can know something too well.

Luke steps onto the porch, boot-clad feet scuffing across the wood floors, and sips his coffee slowly, his still sleep-fogged eyes scanning green hills. He can barely make out a figure minding the horses just beyond the barn. He notes that it needs a new coat of paint. It's been a couple of years since Noah had undertaken that task. He smiles into his cup remembering the disaster that had been. His mind wanders to what could have beens and he shakes his head, rubs at the ache in chest.

It's all too familiar, an uncomfortable itch he can't scratch anymore.

The early morning light slits through the trees, casting shadows across the ground and he focuses on the pattern until that feeling subsides.

He's doing the right thing.

The creak of the door brings his head around and he smiles slowly as he recognizes the paint splattered pajamas that had once been some soft peach but now looked like a color bomb had exploded. He frowns slightly, as Natalie moves up next to him, sipping on her own coffee.

“It's gonna stunt your growth, squirt.”

Natalie snorts into her distorted mug – she'd made it herself during her clay phase – and casts him a disparaging look as she takes a deep, loud drink. “You're just mad ‘cause you hate anyone drinking your imported crap.”

Luke raises an eyebrow, stares pointedly at her hands. “You don't hear _me_ complain when _you_ drink it.”

“That's ‘cause I'm special.”

He chuckles, head shaking as he turns back to let his eyes wander. His mind buzzes but he ignores it, keeps his focus on how the air smells so early in the day, the vivid Technicolor around him, the quiet sounds of the house as it stirs to life.

“When is the cab getting here?”

Luke watches two of the new foals chase each other, grimaces as they stumble a little. “In about ten minutes.”

He refuses to look over at the packed bag on the swing but can feel when Natalie does. Luke wonders what she thinks, knows that it matters even if it shouldn't.

When she speaks, he jumps a little.

“Don't be a chicken shit this time, Luke.”

He blinks over at her, makes a face that she reciprocates, and he loves her more because… she is him. So many years ago, long before his failures and mistakes. There's so much hope in her eyes that they seem lighter just from the emotion.

“That's not why I'm going, Nattie.”

She rolls her eyes, shaking her head as she takes another swallow. “Whatever you say, Luciano.” Natalie turns fully to look at him and he waits for whatever she's going to say.

But as usual his baby sister never does what he thinks she will.

“Are you sure I can't drive you?”

“With what license? And what car?”

“Driver's permit, hello. And yours will do nicely.”

It's Luke's turn to snort. “I don't think so.”

She sighs and they stand together for a long, quiet moment, the faraway sound of tires coming up the graveled drive alerting them to the time.

Luke walks to the swing, grabs his bag and sets his empty cup down in its place. He hauls the bag over his shoulder and is surprised when Natalie walks into him, face smushing into his chest.

“It's been a long time, Luke. You deserve to be happy. Always have, big brother.”

He feels the tears sting at the corners of his eyes, peppers her hair with a few kisses as he pulls away. The response sticks in his throat and he clears it, saying instead, “Tell them not to worry and that I love them.”

Natalie gives him an amused look but nods as she crosses her arms. “That'll be the day. And I will.” She waves off his protest, walks with him to the door and makes a “go away” gesture with her hand. “Get out of here. You'll miss your flight.”

Luke smiles big, kisses her sloppily on the cheek, and moves toward the waiting car. He hands the driver his bag, opens the door, and looks back one more time. Natalie waves, gives him a huge grin, and a thumbs up and he feels his chest constrict.

Luke knows he'll be back.

He just isn't sure when.

Climbing into the car, he closes the door, and scoots as close to the window as he can. He watches Natalie, the house, the horses, the barn...all get smaller as they back out and onto the road.

He wonders if sometimes you can know something, someone, a life, a town...too well. If something, someone, a place can know _you_ too well.

There are mistakes that change everything, events that shape your life, moments you can't take back no matter how much you wish you could.

And then there are decisions you have to make to get back everything you want.

 

 _~Oakdale, August 2009~_

 

Noah lunges for his phone when it rings – the familiar tone making his heart jump to his throat – and he gruffs out a quick, “Luke? Where are you?”

There's a long pause and he hears the distinct background noise of a bar, his stomach churns as he rubs one hand over his burning eyes.

“Hey, Noah.”

The voice is one he knows but it takes his mind a few moments to fit it into place. “Joe?”

“Yeah, listen, Luke is here. I wasn't on duty until now, man. And we had a new guy. I'm sorry.”

Noah closes his eyes, sighs deep and shakes his head even though he knows Joe can't see him. “It's okay. I'll be there in ten minutes. Do me a favor and don't let him leave.”

“You got it.”

Noah pushes the talk button hard to disconnect, throwing the receiver behind him on the couch, hears the crack it makes when it hits something solid. He doesn't turn to look. His brain runs on automatic as he gathers his keys, wallet, cellphone, locks their apartment door, and takes the steps down so fast he almost slips once. The anger wars with concern and grief. When he pulls up to the parking lot in front of Yo's, he can't recall how he got there.

He takes a deep breath, steels that bit of his heart that hurts whenever he looks at his boyfriend these days, and opens the door, steps through. He catches Joe's gaze and follows the finger that points toward the back. His stare falls on the blond head bent over, practically inside the drink on the table. He moves quietly, sits down across from Luke, and waits until those big eyes look up at him.

The wobbly smile he receives is sloppy and huge, dimples making an appearance and Noah's stomach drops. If Luke is this far gone – where the anger has faded – it's a bad sign.

“Noah.”

He smiles gently, takes Luke's hand and pulls up, finds no resistance as he drags him out of the booth. Noah places one hand at Luke's waist, the other under his arms and steadies him as they walk toward the exit. He manages to nod at Joe, ignores the sad, concerned look he gets in return, and stumbles with Luke out into the muggy night.

“Where are we going?”

Noah squeezes at Luke's waist, drops a quick kiss on his sweaty, alcohol reeked hair and sighs a quiet response into it, “We're going home, baby.”

Luke snuffles in an attempt to argue but it's vague and all inside Luke's head so Noah leads them to the truck, pours Luke into the passenger seat, belts in tightly, closes the door with a quiet thud. He leans his head on the window, bears down on the pressure in his eyes and walks around to the driver's side. Noah climbs in slowly, sneaks a look at an already passed out Luke and turns the ignition.

In the morning, Luke will wake up with another hangover. He'll be soft spoken and apologetic all day. He'll promise Noah that it won't happen again. That it was just the day – that he missed his father too much – will say words he knows Noah needs to hear. They'll kiss gently, determined to forget what had happened. Noah will push into Luke and close his eyes, pretending to believe what he says. Because he has to.

And in another night or two, he'll be back behind the wheel, supporting Luke into the house, missing his boyfriend even when he's in his arms. He'll find a way to hide it from Lily because she can't cope. He'll clean up the vomit from the bathroom floor or his shoes. He'll talk to Luke about meetings. He'll remind him about his kidney. He'll wish every time Luke tells his lies that he could talk to Holden. He would know what Noah should do. But that's not possible.

Holden is dead.

Luke is falling apart.

Noah has to keep it together.

So, he shoves the car into drive and winds his way back down the dark streets to do what he does best now.

 

 _~September 2009~_

 

Luke drains the rest of his glass, sighs when the numbness spreads through his fingers and hands. He likes the cold sensation so much better than the angry red that somehow lives inside him every day. He shoves another twenty at the bartender, shaking his empty drink at him and looks around the bar as he waits for his next one. It's not one he frequents often, he'd found it a few weeks ago when he could no longer get a drink at Yo's.

He scowls at the thought. Inside his head, where he still gives a shit, he knows Noah is only trying to save him. To help him cope with his father – Noah is being perfect. Like always. The rush of almost hate that rises up surprises Luke and he shakes his head.

Noah was so good to him.

He loves Luke. He supports Luke. He wants to be there for Luke.

It suffocates in its honesty and hugeness.

He glances at his watch – another reminder of Noah and their love – and sees that it's time to call it a day. Three drinks takes the edge off enough but keeps Noah at bay. It's been working so far. His boyfriend is relaxing every day that Luke comes home seemingly sober.

Luke can pretend like the best of them. He switched to vodka because it leaves the least amount of trace. He has toothpaste and mouthwash in his car. Some cologne to splash on himself before he steps inside their apartment.

The drink gets dropped in front of him and he lays the twenty down, finishes it completely in two gulps and is out the door. He stops when a hand is placed on his shoulder, looks back angrily about to spit out “Fuck off” when he catches the gray stare with his own.

“Listen, man. I've been watching you for a few weeks. I think I can help.”

Luke raises an eyebrow, swallows hard and tilts his head in permission.

He looks down when the hand slides to his hip, pulls him closer and then grips ones of his hands dropping a small bag into it. Luke glances up, heart beats faster and his mind screams at him. Tells him this is a bad idea. It sounds too much like Noah and he jerks his head hard, makes it stop.

“That's gonna make you feel so good. And you know, nobody will know a thing.”

Luke breathes deep, clutches his fingers around the cellophane bag, and glances up. He knows what this is but – it hurts. Every day it hurts so much he can't think. He hates so much: his mother for marrying Damian before his father's body was cold, Damian for taking advantage, Noah for being...so damn noble and kind and a fucking pushover, himself for being weak. He just wants to stop, for just one second.

It's getting harder to numb it all.

He nods quickly then looks up. “I don't know how...”

The guy smiles wide, winks and pulls him back into the bar, grips his hand and says, “Name's Greyson.”

Luke doesn't care but manages a smile, a curt and quick “Luke.” He follows Greyson into the bathroom and watches silently while he locks the door. Pulls out the bag, grabs some paper towels and wipes down the counter. Luke almost wants to laugh because, Jesus fucking Christ, he feels like he's in one of those after school specials. He think of Noah's face if he said that and there's a tiny crack of warmth but Greyson is talking and Luke brings his attention back to him.

“Just sniff it. Go slow, man. First time can make you sick. So take it easy.” He hands Luke the little stub of straw he had used.

Luke grips it, takes a quick look at Greyson, who nods at him with a smile and he bends down, straw to white powder, takes in a small snort, then another and a third. Greyson makes some noise at him but Luke pushes away. He tries again and this time it's too much. It clogs the back of his throat and he coughs. Greyson laughs, patting his back and telling him it gets easier.

He wants to tell him to fuck off but his lungs burn a little and then it's this surge of...color...of feeling all over. But it's good. It doesn't make him want to punch the world. His limbs relax and he leans back on the wall, sliding down and he rolls his eyes back, lets it carry him off.

Lets it let him forget.

 

 _~October 2009~_

 

Noah glances over at Luke again, smiles a little as his boyfriend drums fingers against the dashboard, singing badly to The Misfits. Luke catches his stare and grins wide, winking and turns back to watch the scenery as it passes them by.

It had been a long day but a good one. He hadn't been expecting the surprise birthday party and he would never admit it in a million years, even under torture from Luke's magic fingers, that he felt like a five year old when the whole Snyder clan had jumped out at him. They'd swarmed him with love and kisses and well-wishes. Luke had stayed by his side. Noah had hugged Emma for a few minutes when she'd told him how much Holden would have loved being there.

There was cake and presents and embarrassing stories and Luke.

Everything Noah really ever needed was Luke.

It makes his stomach warm when he thinks of all the trouble Luke had gone to planning the party. Noah hadn't been sure whether Luke would ever start recovering from losing Holden. He knew it would take a long time and Noah wasn't naive enough to think that Luke was anywhere near that but... he seemed better. He'd stopped drinking altogether and he seemed...more. Luke was just...more. Always had been. Made everything bigger.

And he was back to that. Like he hadn't been for those weeks after Holden's death.

He seemed...

Noah feels that little prick in the back of his head that quietly tells him something's wrong. That he knows better. But he ignores it. It's just his ridiculous need to worry about everything.

Luke's arm falls across the back of Noah's neck, fingers playing with the curls at his nape and he forgets that feeling. Only concentrates on the soft touch of Luke's hand.

He hears Luke sniff quietly and frowns, turns to watch him rub at his nose some. “Hey, you okay? Not catching a cold?”

Luke seems startled for a moment, eyes flashing with something Noah doesn't recognize but it's gone as quickly as it came and he gets a big smile. “Allergies.”

Noah studies him for a moment, that feeling intensifying but he just wants to enjoy the day more. “Oh, good. ‘Cause I'm not sure I would be keen to sticking my tongue down your throat if I ended up getting sick.”

Luke laughs, rumbling and deep, sending a shiver down Noah's spine when his hand curls around the back of Noah's neck.

Everything will be fine.

 

\--

 

Luke closes the door behind him, hands start that shaking again and he reaches to lock the door. His family is nosy as hell. He should have known better than to agree to the Halloween party. Noah had to work and he could deal with them if Noah was there. On his good days.

But not today.

He tries not to picture Damian downstairs with his brother and sisters where his father should have been. That image should never even exist.

But it does.

And he can't even--

He pulls the baggie from his inside pocket, clears the counter, and lines up, bending, and taking it in so fast his head spins a little. He waits for that sensation, the honey looseness in his limbs and muscles. It takes a few minutes but it spreads out and he sighs happily.

That's good.

He can handle it like this.

Someone pounds on the door and he jumps, shoving the bag into its spot, washing off the remnants of powder down the drain. “Fucking hold on.” He pulls the door open and Aaron is staring at him, a little pissed off.

“You think you can watch the language, Luke. Kids are around here.”

Luke feels a little shamed but mostly it’s anger that wells up and he lashes out with it. “I didn't think Ethan or Nat could knock down the fucking door, Aaron. Figured it wasn't them.” He pushes past his brother's shocked face and stumbles on the stairs. He pauses, breathes deep and opens the door into the kitchen...

...and Noah's huge smile greets him.

“Hi, baby.”

His heart speeds up at the sight of his boyfriend, gut wrenching with guilt which he shoves down and reaches for Noah, sliding their lips together. This always makes him feel steady and he wishes that he could have Noah with him all the time. He dips his tongue in fast but pulls back when he hears a door slam. He glances at Aaron, face twisted in anger and swallows.

He feels Noah tense under his hands.

“You okay, Aaron?”

His brother's eyes narrow in his direction but his face clears and he gives Noah a genuine smile. “No, man. I'm a little tired. How are you?” He steps up and Luke shifts away, lets them hug and talk for a few minutes. Aaron excuses himself, never meeting Luke's stare as he walks out the door.

Noah frowns, looks back Luke. “Something happen?”

Luke flits his gaze at Noah, watches his face. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I mean,” Noah glances from the door to Luke then back, “you both seemed, I don't know, upset.” One hand grasps Luke's shoulder, dragging their bodies closer together. “What's going on, baby?”

He shrugs, tries not to be annoyed at the question. It's Noah being Noah. He loves him. “Aaron is being an asshole. I don't know.”

Noah's eyes widen in surprise but he doesn't say anything, just nods. “Okay.” Hands reach for Luke's face and he smiles softly, leans in to kiss Luke's mouth gently. When he pulls away his fingers brush over Luke's cheek and he gives Luke a bemused look. “Did you eat all the cookies?”

Luke blinks up in confusion.

Noah's smile grows wider and wiping away the remnants of Luke's secrets. “You had a little bit of flour on your face. I figured Emma corralled you into baking cookies.” He looks sadly at the kitchen counter. “But I'm guessing you Snyders, with your penchant for sweets, ate it all and forgot all about those of us that had to work.”

Luke tries to smile, hides his face in Noah's shoulder, and breathes in.

He doesn't answer because that would mean lying.

And he hasn't lied to Noah.

Not yet.

 

\--

 

His skin is crawling, fingers shake as he attempts to open the apartment door. Somehow, when he woke up late that morning, he'd forgotten to switch his stash to the jacket he'd grabbed going out the door. When he steps into the room, Noah stands up fast, eyes wide. Luke glances at the couch and grips the handle of the door hard.

“Aaron.”

“Luke.”

They hadn't been getting along at all lately. Aaron keeps looking in on him, asks him all kinds of question, always looking at him carefully. He suspects that Luke might be drinking. He'd so much as said so to him. But since he isn't, he can't prove it.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came to see Noah.”

Luke closes the door soundly, sees Noah jump slightly and glares at his brother. “You trying to turn him against me again? Telling him I'm drinking when I'm not?”

“Luke, come on. Aaron's just worried...”

Luke's eyes shift to Noah and he snorts. “Of course, you're going to defend him. Could you maybe take my side for once?”

Noah's jaw clenches, a sure sign that his own temper is starting to rise and Luke feels something ugly and sharp rise in his chest. He wants Noah angry. Distracted. Anything that will keep him from knowing. Luke can't lose him.

But he can't go back to feeling all that pain every second.

“There aren't any sides, babe. Okay?”

Aaron nods, looks straight at Luke. “I'm not attacking you, Luke.”

Luke huffs out a derisive sound and steps back to the door. “Get out. Go home. Stop bothering my boyfriend.”

He watches his brother and boyfriend exchange glances, feels that anger boil over but before he explodes, Aaron starts for the door. He stops and stares at him. “Just so you know. Before you walked in here? Noah was telling me I was wrong. That he believes in you. Knows you.” The door opens and closes softly while Luke stares at it.

When he turns around, Noah has disappeared into the bathroom.

Luke heads to their closet, pulls out the small plastic bag, glances over his shoulder, dipping his pinky into the powder, pulls up as much as he can, brings it to his nose and inhales. He repeats that a few times until he can feel his muscles start to relax.

He just needs to get through this with Noah. He can't lose him, too. He stashes away the bag and closes the closet door firmly.

 

\--

 _~November 2009~_

“How long?”

Noah's stare is angrier than any Luke has ever seen much less experienced directly and he fights the urge to shrink back. His own gaze falls to Noah's hand holding up the see-thru bag that Luke had sworn he'd hidden inside his sock drawer all the way to the back. The thought makes Luke frown. Noah was looking through his private things. He was spying on Luke?

“Where did you get that?”

“The same place you hid it.” Noah's tone was calm but his words were bitten off at the end, like he couldn't say them, like he couldn't believe them.

His eyes flick to the bag, feels his body thrum knowing it's right at his reach and not there, really. Noah waits, blue eyes edged with worry and sadness and beyond that, anger.

What the fuck was he angry about? Luke knows somewhere that if anyone should have that right it's Noah but –

It's so fucking typical of Noah to think the worst of Luke, isn't it? He always had. Never waits for Luke to explain or doesn't care enough to back him up. He opens his mouth and the words that fall out surprise him as much as he can tell they do Noah.

“What the fuck business it that of yours?”

Noah blinks and then he stalks toward Luke, throws the bag at him, teeth clench together as he spits out, “What the fuck _business_ is it of _mine_? Did I actually hear _that_ shit, right? _Did I_?”

Luke meets him eye to eye, tries not to lunge for the bag at his feet. “I only use it when I need it, Noah.”

“And how often is that, Luke? How much of this do you need to take?” Noah covers his face, laughing mirthlessly. “I thought – I thought you were getting better – that you were dealing – but – Jesus, how the fuck did I not see this?” He glances at Luke and shakes his head. “I'm supposed to see you and I missed this.”

Luke doesn't want his feelings – guilt and pain and sorrow – to take over but there they are. Just under the surface like always. He can't tear his gaze from Noah. “It makes it better, Noah. Please. Don't. Don't hate me. I just needed to – it hurts less.”

“I could never hate you, Luke.” He runs a hand through his hair, eyes wide and scared. “Why didn't you talk to me? Or someone? Anyone?”

“I don't know – I just – I couldn't breathe, Noah. All I felt was that pain. I miss him so much. So much. And it's -”

“Not your fault.”

Luke doesn't respond and he glances up to meet Noah's gaze. “I just need to feel something that isn't wanting to die.”

That seems to take the wind out of Noah's sails and he takes a step back, away. When he looks back at Luke, his eyes are wet, a little red and Luke feels his heart plummet. He hates to see Noah cry. He never wants to be the reason.

“How long?”

He could lie. He knows that. Noah would probably be better off if he did but there's still enough of what they have for him to save it. “A few months. It hasn't been that long, I swear. And I can – I can stop. I can. I just -”

“Then stop.”

Luke feels his lungs constrict and his heart leap into his throat, stomach drop. The voice is soft, sweet and when he sees Noah – really sees him – he feels the disappointment he'd been avoiding. In himself. With his mother. With Damian. With his life. With Noah.

Noah is there, though. Right there. Like always. Grabs his shoulders and shakes him a little. “Stop, baby.”

Luke's hands are shaking but he nods, curls his fingers in Noah's shirt and lets himself go.

“I promise. I promise, Noah.”

 

\--

 

He wants to keep the promise he made. Noah suggests that Luke think about a rehab program, maybe outpatient treatment. He swears that he doesn't need it. That it's not that serious. He hides his tremors from Noah, takes a few “sample” pills Greyson had given him. They keep the edge off. He goes to meetings. Sits in the back and listens to people give their sad stories. Part of him understands but mostly he blocks out their words. He doesn't belong here. He's fine.

And he's doing fine. Luke thinks – until Ethan asks Luke when Daddy would be coming home and the wave of grief he'd been keeping behind the crumbling wall rushes out. He calls Noah to tell him he's going to an emergency meeting, tells him to stay home when he insists on tagging along.

He calls Greyson to meet him in the alley by Yo's. When he hands him a hit from one of his bags, Luke smiles at him, hands over the money. He can feel Greyson's eyes on him and something inside him enjoys that. He doesn't have to pretend here.

He goes home to Noah, smiles his good boy smile – that's what he calls it in his head – and lays down in a bed filling with lies and heartache that won't be avoided.

Greyson gives him a sample of some of “the best product, man” and Luke wants to say no. He sees Noah's face when the needle pinches into his skin. Those sad blue eyes hurt him and then they don't because he's lost in nothing. This wonderful nothing and he leans back into the wall. When Greyson's hand reaches inside his pants and curls around his cock, Luke wants to push away.

But he can't.

He doesn't.

He just arches up and floats away in the pleasure.

He doesn't think of blue eyes or home or love.

 

\--

 

 _~December 2009~_

 

Noah can't stop pacing from the window to the door and back. His hands tremble as he checks his phone. He's lost count of how many times he's looked. He can't even count the minutes since he'd last heard from Aaron or Casey.

He wants to be out there, looking for Luke

Noah wants to scream because he should have known. After Lily's announcement at Christmas dinner, it was inevitable that Luke would lose it. But he'd thought that he was enough to stop him.

There's a hand on his shoulder and when he turns, Lucinda hands him a cup of tea. Noah is sick of tea. He shakes his head only to sigh and take the damn thing when she simply raises an eyebrow at him. "If you're not going to eat, at least get something hot in your stomach.”

He responds by taking two large gulps then sets the tea down on the table and begins pacing again.

“Noah, sweetheart, you're going to make a groove in Emma's floor. Please sit down. You can worry that way, too.”

He does what she wants, mostly because he knows better than to argue.

But sitting makes all his thoughts louder and he rubs his dry eyes. Three days of no sleep – except the naps that Lucinda and Emma have made him take – start to wear him down. He keeps his eyes on the table when he says “I should have known.”

“Noah, please. Don't. You can't blame yourself.”

“I knew, Lucinda. I didn't tell anyone that he'd been doing drugs.”

“He asked you not to.”

“But I –“

“Noah.”

Her tone is brisk and hard. It makes him look up and she shakes her head. “You'd been down this road once with him before.”

That wasn't an excuse. He hadn't wanted to repeat his mistake from the election, that was true. He wanted to be there this time. Be the person Luke could trust. Turn to. The person who could save him.

But this was completely different.

And he should have seen it. He should have known.

Lucinda's hand covers his. “We'll find him, Noah.”

He wants to believe. Needs to.

Or he won't make it through.

If he lost Luke, Noah wasn't sure he could survive. Wouldn't want to.

 

\--

 

It hurts to even try and move his head but he's cold. He tries to roll over to Noah's side, groans when his whole body hurts. When he opens one eye, the bed is empty...and it's not his bed...their bed. He can't – he doesn't know -

Luke bolts up, feels his stomach revolt against the move and leans his head down, touching his blanket clad knee, breathes through it until his hands are steady. He glances up, eyes bleary as he looks around the room. His eyes fall to the floor, find his clothes crumbled there.

He swallows, tries not to let the panic set in. He doesn't know where he is. He can't remember anything.

Moving carefully, he reaches for his jeans, his hands tremble again, and he wants something to cut the edge bad but he can't – he sees his hips painted in bruises and gulps down the urge to throw up. His shirt is filthy, stained completely and he doesn't want to know why or how.

He wants to go home.

He needs Noah.

There's a loud noise coming from the front room and he walks unsteadily down the hall until he finds the source of the sounds. He recognizes Greyson – naked and fucking a completely unmoving guy into the sofa. Luke leans one hand against the door frame and shakes his head.

Oh god. No. No. He doesn't – he flashes on being pinned down, letting someone turn him over. He remembers the fullness, the high of it and -

He falls slowly to his knees, takes in deep gulps and someone is standing over him. “Hey, kid? You okay?” The words are slurred but Luke can see some real concern on the face. The man is completely dressed and Luke hopes that he can still think.

“Can you tell me where we are, please?” He keeps his voice steady and stands when the other guy helps him to his feet. He gives Luke an address – he prays that it's the right one – and moves down the hall to the bedroom Luke had been in. He needs to leave.

He's pretty sure he doesn't have his car.

Luke thinks about the call he needs to make. Only thinks about the buttons he's pushing. Only thinks about the address he needs to give. Only thinks about going home.

He hears grunts on the television, the sound of laughter and he knows that whatever they are watching, he doesn't want to see. He wants to vomit. He wants to cry. He can't think. Think.

The call he makes is picked up before the first ring and he cries in relief when he hears the familiar deep voice.

“Luke?!!”

“Noah.” His voice is wrecked, totalled and he doesn't want to think why. He tries again and it sounds the same. “Noah, I'm – please – come get me. Please.” It breaks at the end and he starts to cry quietly into the phone.

“Baby, just tell me where you are. I need – oh god, don't cry, Luke. I'll be there. Just tell me.”

He can't make the words come out and he takes a few minutes to stutter the address into the phone. Noah begs him to stay on the line until he gets to him. Luke tries to breathe and listens to Noah's non-stop talking. His heart beats faster as he hears the sound of doors and tires. He can't go back to that room. He can't stay in the hall. He makes his way out the back and stumbles around the side of the house and ends up in the front yard.

He tells Noah what he's doing and hears the encouraging words and promises but he can't listen.

He doesn't know what he's done. He wants to lay down and just stop.

So he does.

The squeal of tires makes him look up and Noah is there, stepping out of a car idling across the street. Luke's heart skips and he scrambles to his knees on the lawn. Noah searches frantically until he finds Luke and then he's running, falling in front of him. Noah looks him over and then Luke is burying his face in Noah's chest, the tears he had held in wetting Noah's shirt.

Luke's sobs are loud and broken.

He feels someone else, hears Casey's voice thick with his own tears and knows when his friend drops to the ground, holds on to Luke's shoulder.

Noah's voice is gentle, kind and it makes Luke want to tear out of his skin because he doesn't deserve any of it.

When Noah gets up, he clutches harder and receives a quiet “It's okay, baby. I'm not going anywhere.” and then he's on his feet. He can't walk and without a pause, Noah has him in his arms and Luke hides his face in Noah's neck, tears still falling. He stays there the whole way home.

He wants to never leave.

 

\--

 

 _~January 1, 2010~_

 

“Sir, you can't go further than this, I'm sorry.”

Luke grips tighter on Noah's hand and he nods silently at the nurse. “Can we have a minute?”

She smiles and moves a few feet away to give them a semblance of privacy.

Noah gives him an encouraging smile and Luke wants to cry or throw up or run away. Or all three, really. He hates those smiles now. Reminds him of how much he's fucked up.

“They said I can come in two weeks to see you, so I'll be here, okay?”

Luke glances up and smiles gratefully. “Okay.”

“I love you.”

It hurts to hear that and he can't bring himself to return it no matter how much it's true. He loves Noah. So much that he can't live with who he is now. He doesn't know how he ever will.

“Same here.” he manages and then kisses Noah's mouth quickly before turning to follow the nurse out of the lobby and into the facility. He glances back and sees Noah still standing there watching Luke. He waves once and Luke feels something break inside at the distance growing between them.

He needs to get better.

He wants to do this for himself. For his family. For Noah.

Luke thinks that even if he does manage to get himself back, nothing will erase the damage he's done.

Nothing between him and Noah will be the same.

 

\--

 

 _~Oakdale, April 2017 ~_

Luke crosses his legs for the umpteenth time and glances up at the screen for the hundredth. The little green letters haven't changed since he last looked but he can't help it. Maybe he can time warp his way out of here and where he needs to be. He thinks Ethan would approve of that method. He smiles into his coffee at the thought of his little brother.

His phone vibrates in his jacket and he sets his coffee down, pulls it out and makes a face at the text that is waiting for him.

 _You called him yet, coward?_

He types back: _Don't be such a pain in my ass, Nat._

Then stares at the phone for a full minute before taking a deep breath and works his screen, pulls up the first name on his speed dial list and touches it fast. He smiles when he gets a song for the ring tone which turns into a laugh because it's such a ridiculous choice that he can't help it.

“Hello there, handsome.”

Luke rolls his eyes when his stomach flutters because after a decade he really should be used to that. “ABBA? Really?”

Noah's laugh is rich and strong, reminds Luke of so many things that he doesn't have, that his hand tightens around the phone from the overwhelming rush of it. He wants so bad it physically hurts. But he can't do anything about that.

Yet.

“It's completely your fault, Snyder. How many times was I forced to watch that damn movie?”

“You loved every minute of it, don't front now, Mayer.”

There is a long pause before Noah responds, voice low and a little more than wistful. “I very much did.”

It makes Luke's heart stutter a few beats and he waits out the quiet filled with everything that can never be said between them. Talking with Noah is a study in happiness and longing that Luke is still getting used to balancing.

“So what's going on?”

Luke smirks and shrugs even though Noah can't see him. “What? I can't call my best friend?”

“Um... well, seeing as you never call this early in the day and, you know, on an actual weekday, I have to wonder what may be so important that it requires actual voice on voice action instead of text.”

“You're a perceptive man, Mayer. It must come with age.”

Noah snorts. “I try. And I'm not even seven months older than you so shove it.”

Luke laughs at that, the sound carrying around him. Almost no one can make him feel the way he does when he talks to Noah. Like a part of himself is coming through that can't with anyone else. “You're just jealous that I'm still this good looking.”

He knows Noah is grinning now, fiddling with some papers or a pen on his desk, feet swung up on the edge of it.

“Tell me, how do you fit that huge head of yours through doors these days?”

“Usually takes a crowbar.” Luke's chest fills with warmth as Noah laughs and he asks as he throws his coffee in the trash, “How is La-La land treating you guys?”

“It's good. Hot the last week but we're surviving.”

There's an announcement over the airport intercom and Luke covers the mouthpiece to muffle most of the static background noise. When he comes back there's a tense silence and he bites his lip that he can pull this off.

“You at the airport?”

Luke grimaces. “Yeah. Going on a trip.”

Noah pauses before making an interested sound. “Business? Pleasure?”

Luke purses his lips. “A little of both. It's why I called. In case I can't for a little bit.”

There's another pregnant silence and Luke can feel Noah debating what to say.

“Is everything okay?”

Luke smiles. “I promise you, _Mom_. I'm good.”

He waits to see if Noah will push and sighs in quiet relief when he doesn't. “Okay. But I expect some kind of contact in the next few days, Luke. I fucking mean it. I will search the world over for you and kick your ass if you don't, got it?”

That's so like Noah and it makes Luke love him more if that's at all possible. “I got it.”

“Okay. Good. Have a safe trip. Call me at some point, please. And get me something pretty.”

Luke laughs. “I can do that.” He sees the board change and he rises to his feet. “I should go. I'll be in touch.”

“Damn right.” Then Noah sighs and Luke can feel worry building. He wants to do something about that. But he can't.

Yet.

“I got to go, Noah. Love you.” He always says that. He can't explain how much ever and he's not sure Noah can hear it.

“Love you, too. Be careful.”

The line goes dead and Luke grabs his carry on as he moves to the assigned gate. He glances down at his plane ticket displaying _Flight 817: Los Angeles International_ across the center and waits his turn to board.

 

  
**|Part One|**   


 

 _~Charleston, January 2010~_

 

He throws up in the corner, trembles against the wall and falls to the floor, hands clutch at his skin. Luke digs his nails in, scratches against the itch that burns all through him. He can feel them biting him. “Oh god. Stop. Stop. Stop.” He tries to stand but his feet are numb and he curls into a ball.

There's the sound of the door and he makes an aborted lunge for it, feels hands grab the back of his sweat-drenched shirt to haul him away.

“Don't even think about it, Luke.”

He hates that voice so much right now. He wants to go. He needs to stop the pain.

He doesn't belong here.

“Just -”

Luke can't recognize his own voice, rasps out a curse and claws at the arms pinning him down. “Just one – please.”

“No.”

“Please.”

The sobs escape and he goes limp on the bed, shivers against the thin mattress. He dry heaves a few times, nothing left to actually come out and brings his knees to his chest. Feels a blanket wrap over him. Buries inside. Screws his eyes shut and recoils violently when Noah's face shows up.

He can't think about him.

Not about anything he did to him.

He rocks back and forth, lets the pain flow over him.

“It'll be over soon, Luke. I promise.”

It sounds like Noah's voice in his head and he wants to run away with how much that hurts.

 

\--

 

He takes a long drag from his cigarette, cradles the phone on one shoulder and cracks his knuckles. Tries to listen to what his mother is saying. When she mentions Noah, he jerks his head up and starts to protest but it's too late.

“Hey.”

Luke closes his eyes, chest turning over at the voice, his stomach drops to his feet and he resists the urge to hang up the phone.

“Hey.”

The silence is long and awkward, something that isn't like the people they once were. Luke doesn't think they'll ever be that way again. Knows deep inside that it can't be the same.

“Anything I say is going to be stupid, isn't it?”

That surprises him and he almost smiles, shrugs even though he knows Noah can't see him.

“Nothing is stupid.”

Noah seems to think it over and then says, “I miss you.”

Luke swallows away the feelings that brings up, stores it for his therapy session later. “Yeah.”

“I'll be coming up this weekend and I thought - “

“Don't.”

Noah stops breathing, Luke notices right away and he grimaces. He hadn't meant to say it that way. He thinks fast.

“I'm not sure if I'm ready for visitors yet. Maybe the weekend after next?”

He knows Noah will do what Luke wants and he uses that.

“If that's what you need.”

Luke scrubs one hand over his face. He knows Noah isn't going to listen. He thinks that Luke just needs to see him and he'll be fine. “Yeah. Listen I gotta go, Noah. Tell the family I love them, okay.”

“We love you, too.”

He doesn't respond, hangs up the phone and moves out of the line so Ralphie can take his turn. He pats the kid's shoulder and smiles encouragement before he walks down the hall.

He doesn't think about Noah.

He can't.

 

\--

 

“So, you blame Noah then?”

Luke glares across the room, meets Marc's hostile eyes and shakes his head. “Why would I blame him? No. I just – I don't know what good I am. For him.”

“That's bullshit.”

He balls his hand into fists and counts to ten. He and Marc have had more than one conversation that almost ended in blows. Something about Luke sets the guy into asshole mode.

“So why the fuck won't you see him?”

He doesn't have an answer. All he knows is the thought of seeing Noah again makes his entire body revolt, makes him want to find the nearest bar, a dealer, a fucking gram of anything. That's the only way he thinks he'll be able to deal with everything that happened.

“Luke, though I think he could use a little more tact, Marc has a point.” Lisa spoke calmly, smiling her honest one and tilts her head toward him. “You can't see him. Why?”

“I don't know what to do.”

“About what?”

Luke makes a derisive sound and cocks his own head to the side to look back at her. “Oh, maybe about the fact that I was a druggie and let my dealer give me blow jobs in exchange for getting high even when I could pay. Or that I brought them into the home we shared and could have cost him everything. Or that I got so fucked out of my head that for three days I let god knows how many _fucking_ men _fuck_ me.” He bites back the bile that rises at that. It's a memory he doesn't ever want to fully get back and prays for at the same time. The not knowing exactly what happens kills him every day.

And the look on Noah's face when Luke had babbled it out to him while Noah held him on the way home from that horrible morning is something he won't ever forget.

“You were screwed up, man. He knows that. He seems to love you.” Ralphie says quietly from his corner and Luke tones down his anger when he looks at him. “He shows up every chance he can, Luke. Every visitor's day, he comes.”

“He shouldn't. I don't know why he does.”

It's not a feeling he admits but he hates Noah a little for not hating Luke more. For showing up and forcing Luke to hurt him. He needs him to hate Luke. And somewhere he thinks Noah does. He expects it to come out someday.

Noah can't love him the way he says.

Luke doesn't deserve that.

 

 _~Oakdale, February 2010~_

 

Noah knows this is pathetic but he can't help it. He waits on the front porch, checks his watch every few minutes and stares down the driveway, willing a car to come up. Lily and the kids should have been back from visiting Luke already. He folds his arms over his chest and forces that sick feeling from his stomach. It's been more than a month of rehab and Luke still makes excuses not to see him.

Ed had told him that was normal. That recovering addicts have a hard time facing people. Except that Luke had called and requested a special visit with Lily and asks her to bring the kids to see him. That he was ready for that.

But he hadn't mentioned Noah.

It didn't matter because he'd be there for the next scheduled visitor days with the same treats he brought every time. He'd sit in the same chair under the tree and watch the door for hours. He'd smile when Ralphie shows up instead of Luke and he'd listen to him tell Noah funny stories about Luke. It was the closest he could get but he'd do it.

He can feel Luke drifting farther away and Noah hangs on with his bare hands, fingers clasping at whatever he can reach.

He won't give up.

Noah just needs to make sure Luke knows he's waiting. He's there for him.

The tires on gravel bring his focus away from his thoughts and he stands, brushes sweaty palms against his jeans, plasters a smile on his face when Ethan lunges for his knees. He picks him up, nods at the rapid fire sentences about Luke and ducks and a pond. Faith moves past him sadly and he makes a mental note to take her aside after dinner to talk. Nat grins at him and hugs his middle, mumbles that she wishes he could have gone.

“Me too, Nattie.”

She takes Ethan by the hand and disappears inside the house. He avoids looking at Lily as long as possible. Knows exactly what will happen when he does.

He takes a deep breath and does, finds his eyes drift to the envelope in her hands and buries that sharp pain in his chest away. He's getting used to it. When he meets her eyes, they're sad and he shrugs, takes the letter back from her.

“I'll take it to him next week.”

Lily's eyes are shiny and wet, makes Noah heart bruise more than it already is. “That's a good idea.”

Her hand sweeps through his hair and she leans in to kiss his cheek. “Come in for dinner.”

Noah nods, smiles and waits until the door closes, lets his shoulders sag.

He takes a lungful of air and then straightens before heading inside.

 

\--

 

“I need you to stop showing up.”

Noah stops mid-sentence where he'd been telling about Ethan's new escapade with the tree house they'd built. He's been expecting this for some time, Luke's refusal to take his visit a few days ago had clued him in. Noah was surprised Luke hadn't said it earlier.

“No.” He pauses then continues with “So when Lily asked what would possess him to take that all the way up -”

“Goddamnit, Noah.” Luke sounds choked up and Noah holds still while he clears his throat to say, “I can't take you coming here. I don't want to see you.”

It's the first time Luke has said it out loud and Noah knew that. He didn't think it would hurt so much to hear it out loud. “I want to see you.”

“This isn't about you. I'm not any good, Noah. Get that? I'm not that guy you fell in love with.”

“You're still the one I love.”

Luke makes a frustrated sound. “Jesus. Why are you doing this? I'm asking you to stop.”

“I'm not letting you do this alone.”

“I already am. I don't need your pity or guilt or whatever the fuck is going on.”

Noah swallows down the anger, remembers what he's learned at Anon, what Ed tells him every time Noah starts to lose faith.

Love is worth it.

“I don't feel any of those things, Luke. I love you. I'm your partner.”

Luke snorts. “No. I don't -” he falters and Noah knows whatever he's about to say will be a lie. “I don't want that anymore.”

“Tough.”

“What?” Luke's voice is loud and pissed. Good. Noah wants him to react with anything other than apathy.

“I'm not going anywhere, Snyder.”

He hears the phone slam and then the line goes dead. Noah calmly drops the call on his end, breathes through his nose and nods.

Well, at least they'd gotten that out of the way before Luke was home. He hoped it'd make the rest of the fights easier.

 

\--

 

 _~Charleston, March 2010~_

 

Luke hugs Ralphie tight, promises to call and visit as much as he can. He knows his friend still has some time to go but Luke believes in him. Lisa kisses his cheek, hands him a card with some numbers on it. It's his sponsor and she pushes him to call as soon as he gets to Oakdale. He thanks her and stops to hug a few more staff and patients, nods at Marc, who rolls his eyes at him before turning away.

His throat hurts from keeping in the screams of fear that want to escape. Luke isn't sure he can do this but Dr. Owen thinks it's time. That Luke has recovered as much as he can in here. He has the tools, the support and all he has to remember is that it's just one step in front of the other. One day at a time.

He walks out into the bright sunshine and halts in his path when he sees Noah leaning on his truck. He doesn't expect the way his heart trips in his chest and that familiar burst of want mixed with love makes him realize how much he missed Noah. Luke knew he'd been ignoring that while trying to learn to deal with his addiction and sort out what was left of his life.

It hits him hard when Noah glances up and at seeing him, his face burst into such a look of love and adoration that Luke feels sick instantly. He'll have to deal with that as soon as he can. Forcing a smile on his face, he meets Noah halfway, tenses when Noah hugs him but manages to wrap one arm around him loosely before pulling away.

“I thought Mom was coming to get me.”

Noah smiles softly, eyes hesitant and Luke hates that he does that now. “I kinda convinced her to let me. I wanted a few minutes with you because once we get home, it'll be impossible."

Luke's grimace is quick but not quick enough. Noah brushes his shoulder and Luke takes the smallest step back. They stare at each other for what seems forever before Noah says, “They just really missed you. We all did.”

He knows that. The letters and care packages and calls were endless, sometimes too choking and part of Luke almost wished they didn't care that much. It was too hard. Too much pressure. He thinks of the unopened stack of letters from Noah he left in the desk drawer. The thoughts make him ache for that damn numbness so he closes his eyes, breathes deep, and counts to ten. When he opens them again, Noah is quietly waiting by the car, watching him. His gaze flicks away as soon as Luke glances at him. It's the first time that Luke realizes that maybe Noah isn't as put together as he thought.

That makes his resolve harden.

Too much damage would leave a wreckage that Luke knew they couldn't fix.

He climbs in the car and smiles at Noah then turns his gaze back to the street, readies for what he has to face back home.

 

\--

 

 _One week..._

“Who thought this was a good idea?”

Noah grins slowly at him and shrugs. “Lily figured you might want some new clothes.”

Fresh start, Luke thinks. Noah doesn't say it but the words hang on the end of his sentence. He can't help the humorless laugh that escapes. “I don't think a new pair of jeans is going to make anyone forget about the addict.”

He watches Noah's jaw clench, stormy blue eyes find his.

“That's not what this is about.”

“What is it about then?” Luke grits his teeth. He knows that Noah isn't his mother, that it wasn't his idea to be here but he's an easy target and Luke isn't in the mood to be discriminatory.

“She was helping me spend some time with you.” Noah says softly, studies the shirt in his hand and turns to another rack.

Luke feels a jab in his chest but ignores it, turns away from Noah and pretends he can't understand Noah's silence.

 

\--

 

 _Two weeks.._.

Nat's rendition of Casey and Noah's last epic battle over Superman versus Batman makes Luke laugh for the first time since he got home. He almost chokes on the lasagna he'd been scarfing down. When he looks over at Noah, his grin is huge and Luke reaches out to touch his face. Noah leans in, kissing his thumb softly as it slides near his mouth.

Then Luke remembers.

He pulls away fast, doesn't glance back to see Noah's face fall. It's an image he can't bear even when he knows it might be better that way.

He meets his grandmother’s gaze and flinches slightly.

She corners him later, shakes her head at him. “What are you doing, Luciano?”

It's serious business if she's using his given name but he can't start to care because it's none of hers. Lucinda Walsh can't begin to understand or make any of this better. It's up to him. He says those exact words and she startles before looking away.

Her sigh is deep and painful.

“He loves you.”

Luke nods.

“I know that.”

She glances back, meets his shuttered glare and nods. “That's the problem, isn't it?” She doesn't wait for his answer, just brushes past him and Luke drops his head.

Her voice drifts toward him from the door.

“We can't understand, Luke. But we can be here. That's all we can do. All we have to give. You need to let us.”

 

\--

 

 _Three weeks..._

 

Living with Noah was a study in not screaming every minute. He could feel Noah all around him. And that was too much. He couldn't touch. He wouldn't let Noah touch him. So, every night it was the same. Two people trying not to cross lines and barriers.

Noah slept on the couch from the day that Luke arrived. He never complained.

But Luke felt his eyes on him every night as he went to bed. Hopeful. Kind. Loving.

When he found himself staring at the bottle of vodka during his grocery run, Luke knew what he had to.

He realizes it's fucked up to have walked out with no explanation. Luke had stared at the blank of paper for almost an hour. In the end, he'd left it wordless, picked up the one bag he'd managed to pack and left.

The knock on the door shouldn't startle him the way it does. He'd been expecting it all day. When he opens his bedroom door, Noah is leaning on the frame, face set in a hard line.

This Luke can do. He can take anger.

“Noah.”

He watches Noah's eyes narrow slightly but then he leans forward, moves past Luke into the room, throws a bag on the bed. Luke doesn't understand what just happened so he waits.

Noah stands by the window for a long moment, sighs as he speaks. “Why didn't you tell me?”

Luke stands straighter and starts to say he doesn't owe Noah an explanation but that's a lie. Technically, they still shared one life and he does. “I just – I thought it might be easier this way. You would have wanted to talk me out of it.”

Noah shakes his head. “No, I would have just wanted to understand.”

It makes him mad and his face contorts with it. Noah makes a sound that comes very close to a snort and Luke glances up, their glares clashing. “What?”

“That was the wrong thing to say apparently. I should want to keep you at the apartment against your will?”

Luke raises an eyebrow, smirk ugly but before he can respond, Noah crosses the room, invades his space and Luke forgets to breathe for a moment. His skin prickles and he wants to touch so much he can't even remember for a second why he shouldn't.

Noah's mouth closes over his and he gasps a surprise, keeps his arms firmly at his side, fists clenching where they want to clutch at Noah. His mouth betrays him, though. Remembers what this is, opens for a moment, and Luke moans softly.

The sudden image of Greyson fucking him, of Luke's numbed acceptance, flashes in his mind and he pushes Noah away, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I – no. I can't be – we can't do this.”

Noah reaches for him and Luke takes a step back, head shaking.

“Talk to me. Please.”

He'd told Noah about that night, in his drugged up state the morning he found him, it had all spilled out but the details had remained with Luke. He couldn't do that to them. He sidesteps Noah when he moves in closer, opens the door wide.

“Luke.”

“Go home, Noah.”

 

\--

 

 _Six weeks..._

He feels as it gets worse, the desperation to get away from Noah, to not have to face what Luke knows is inevitable.

So he avoids. For as long and as much as he can.

Then he runs into Damian at his mother's and it's like every emotion he'd worked through, had somehow figured out how to control springs up. He sees red when they pull apart as he walks in. Damian smiles at him, happy for some insane reason that Luke can't fathom. His biological father knows that Luke had refused to see him, both before, during, and now after rehab. He just doesn't get it. Never understood why Luke hates him so much.

And that makes it so much worse.

The fight is fast and ugly, leaves Lily crying, Damian furious and upset and Luke...

Luke is on the verge of breaking down.

The want for relief, a drink, a hit, anything to make him forget is a daily struggle. On days like he is having, it's torture. He calls Alan, his take no prisoners sponsor, and yells for an hour, until his voice is hoarse. Alan lets him then finally tells Luke that he needs to expect to feel this way for the rest of his life and he's the only one who can decide how to deal with that.

Luke breaks down and buys the pack of cigarettes he's been craving since he'd gotten back home. He smokes half the pack, lets each one burn down to the filter in his fingers and thinks. It's a constant loop of voices and images. Noah and his father. Damian and his mother. Greyson, Marc, his grandmother. He hides in the barn, keeps his back to Skywalker's stall. He hasn't ridden in months. Since his dad died. It's empty for him, this place is colorless without Holden and Luke can't bear to think of ever being able to get on a horse again without bursting into sobs.

But he can sit and feel his father around him.

The noise at the barn door makes him tense and when he sees a familiar tall figure walk toward him, every bit of anger and hate and love and failure he feels rushes up. He stands and stares at Noah. All he wants is one fucking moment of peace.

“Did they send you?”

Noah startles and finds Luke's glare with wide blue eyes, shakes his head. “I didn't know you were here, Luke. Emma asked me to get –“

“A report on me?” He knows this isn't fair. Inside his head, the rational side of his mind is screaming at him to shut up.

But he can't.

Noah blinks and opens his mouth to respond, then to Luke's frustration, he shakes his head again. “I didn't know – I'm sorry.” He seems to gather some kind of courage and steps closer, his beautiful eyes sad. “Can I help at all?”

Luke snorts meanly and raises an eyebrow. “No, Noah. You can't fucking help. It's not like I had a bad day at work. This is my life. I feel useless and helpless and angry. I hate everything. Everyone.” He lets that hang in the air, ignores the stab of pain he sees in Noah's face, before he continues. “And it's not fair. Because it's not about anyone else. It's me. I want to drink so bad every minute of every day that it aches.”

Noah takes another step and Luke's traitorous body feels it, wakes up to his proximity and he can't do this. He can't have Noah here and deal with everything. It's like a balancing act. Too many emotions at once and he'll fall off the precipice into the abyss around him.

And Noah.

Noah is every emotion he's ever had all balled into one person. He's love and pain and need and want and _everything._

“I know I can't begin to understand but – baby, I want --”

Luke brings his hands to his face, scrambles away, breathes harshly. He shakes hard and when he looks up at Noah, he says, “You're hurting me.”

Noah stills, stares, arms drop slowly to his side.

“Don't you understand? You make me feel this big," he pinches his thumb and forefinger together, “and when you touch me – I want to crawl out of my skin. When you look at me like you do, I want to jump head first into a drink, a hit. I can't do this.”

The words came in a rush and Luke clamps his hand over his mouth. He didn't even know –

He looks at Noah and freezes at his expression. Luke doesn't think he's ever seen it before and his stomach turns.

When he takes a step forward, Noah moves back. His eyes look wet from this distance and he only nods, voice breaks with his, “I see.” He's stiff as he walks away, slow and deliberate, like if Noah makes any sudden movement, he'll blow apart.

Luke follows calling out, “Noah.”

Noah stops, turns in the doorway and blank eyes look at him.

“I just – I don't know anything right now.”

There's a sudden rush of anger in Noah's face and Luke swallows when that look falls on him. “I understand that. But -“ Noah takes a deep breath and glances behind Luke. “When the man I love hurts, I want to ask what's wrong. I want to help. I want to be there.”

Luke shakes his head. He knew that – that wasn't what he meant.

“When I touch you, the man I love, I would rather it not disgust you.”

“That's not what I said.”

Noah gives him a look so sharp that Luke can't move.

“When I'm with you, I want that ache to be less not more.”

Luke shakes his head again.

Noah rubs one hand down his face. “I'm sorry I'm not enough, Luke. I thought I could be.” The look Noah sends him feels like a punch in Luke's gut. Noah takes a step toward him but then remembers and turns away.

He wants to say something but watches Noah's back as he heads to the house instead, leaving him in the quiet night with his thoughts and reckless words in the air between them.

His legs go numb and he falls to the ground.

That's where Aaron finds him, he doesn't know how much time later, and when he looks at his brother's face, he knows that it all happened, that he'd just pushed Noah so far away, Luke didn't think he'd ever come back.

His brother sits down at his side, slides one arm around his shoulder and with that gesture, Luke lets his tears fall unrelenting and his I'm sorrys pour into his brother's shirt.

Aaron rubs his head and says, “I know you are.”

 

\--

 

Noah can't breathe. He doesn't remember how he made it from the barn to the house. He held a conversation with Emma before kissing her cheek, lingering a little more than usual in her hug and waving away her questioning look. He'd walked out of the house and to his truck but his shaking hands told him driving would be a bad idea.

So he left the truck and walked toward the road, calling a cab.

He leans back against the magnolia tree at the edge of the drive, feels the sick recoil of his stomach as Luke's words echo in his head.

 _“You're hurting me.”_

Noah closes his eyes, hands cover his face and he feels the wet heat trickle down.

 _“You make me feel this big and when you touch me – I want to crawl out of my skin.”_

Noah's body shudders when the sobs pour out and he slides to the ground, head against his knees.

 _“When you look at me like you do, I want to jump head first into a drink, a hit.”_

The bile rises fast and Noah scrambles on his knees to the side and throws up at the foot of his favorite tree.

 _“I can't do this.”_

He wipes his eyes and nose, tries to breathe but all he smells is the sickness around him. He doesn't know what to do. Where to go. He can't even think straight.

Aaron is standing in front of him and Noah flinches back.

“What happened?”

He doesn't look up at him. He can't. “I -”

Aaron bends to meet his eyes and whatever he sees makes his face twist in pain. “Noah...”

Noah feels the tears burn his eyes and he tries to breathe but all he can manage is a series of hiccups and pants so he lets Aaron rub his back until it stops.

“I don't understand what's going on, Noah.”

He doesn't either. Except that maybe he does.

There's only one way he can think to help Luke. He sees the light of the taxi coming up the driveway just as the thought becomes clear in his head. He turns to Aaron and pulls the other man into a hug. “Do me a favor?”

Aaron holds him tight. “Anything, bro.”

“Take care of him for me.”

“Wait, Noah...”

“Just promise me.”

The pause is pregnant with so many things but Aaron nods against Noah's shoulder and that's all he needs. He lets go and moves fast.

He opens the door, glances back at the farm and when he gives the driver the address, he sinks back into his seat and expels a breath, steeling himself for what would have to come next.

 

\--

 

Lucinda used to scare Noah. It's not something he likes to admit to anyone but when you first meet her, it takes every ounce of willpower not to run the other way. She can look right through you so lying is impossible. She tells you truth whether you want it or not. She can be ruthless.

And if you're family, and she loves you, she can be deadly.

When he arrives at her mansion it's nearly eleven o'clock so Noah isn't surprised at her worried expression as she meets him in the hall. She takes one look at Noah's bloated, pink face and steers him to her den. After Langston brings them both tea, she states simply, “This is about Luke.”

That seems to be enough and Noah pours the whole story out. The weeks of trying to be there, trying to understanding, failing Luke, failing himself and how he can't hurt Luke.

“I'm not sure I understand that clearly, sweetheart.”

Noah thinks of a way to tell her what happened without having to repeat the words Luke had said.

“I'm getting in his way.”

Lucinda shakes her head. “That's ridiculous.”

But it isn't. That's the problem. Some place between the barn and the Walsh mansion, Noah saw the truth in what Luke was telling him. Sometimes the more you loved someone, the more you hurt them. Trying to save them, he could destroy them completely.

He looks up to find Lucinda watching his face closely. He gives her a sad smile and meets her gaze.

“You remember when you insisted that I join Al-Anon?”

She nods at him and he thinks she's already where he is.

“I hated the idea.”

“You're not exactly an open book so I imagine that was a bit like hell for you, darling.”

He nods, sniffles and gives her a look. “That would be an understatement if I ever heard one. But you were right.”

“Of course I was, dear.”

He smiles despite what he has to say. “There was something George said to me that I didn't really understand until now.” Noah picks at his fingers and he can't quite meet Lucinda's stare. “He said that sometimes it's not what you give, it's what you don't.”

When he looks at Lucinda, his voice is thick and it catches as he speaks. “We love each other too much. That's the problem.” He holds up his hand when Lucinda begins to protest, “I know it sounds ridiculous even as I say it but – he can't want my happiness more than his own. He can't think about me, Lucinda. He can't handle any of that. And I can't _not_ love him. I can't _not_ want him. In the end, I'll break him and I can't live with that.”

It's the only time Noah has ever seen Lucinda look defeated. She takes a deep breath, grabs his hand and asks, “What can I do?”

For family, she'd move mountains.

He won't ask for that much.

“I need your help.”

 

\--

 

It takes Lucinda less than a day to call Noah with the news that she found him what he was looking for. “Meet me for lunch today.”

He's at the Lakeview early and sits to look over the crowds coming in and out of the restaurant. He feels connected to this town. He knows names and histories. Who hates who. The family connections. Even things he shouldn't know he knows. Noah feels a pang when he thinks that he wouldn't just be losing the love of his life but the whole world he loves.

He makes a resolution in that moment and when Lucinda sits at the table, smiles at him, he gives her a hopeful look.

“I called an old friend to see if maybe he would know where I could start making inquires and it turns out that he knew of a position. So he agreed to meet us here.” She glances up, smiles wide at someone behind Noah, and when he turns, he blinks a couple of times.

He stands and grips the hand given to him.

“Brian.”

“Hello, Noah.” Brian smiles kindly at him and they sit at the table. Noah isn't sure how to feel about it but Brian had proved to be more than just the jerk they had thought. He knew Luke still worked with Brian when it came to foundation business and, from what Noah could see of the conversation going on in front of him, Brian and Lucinda had remained friends.

So when Brian lays it out for Noah, he listens.

The job is a production assistant position at a television station in Chicago. Brian makes it clear that it was just entry level so the pay wasn't great but he offered Noah a place to stay until he had his feet on the ground.

“Starting over is hard. I know that. So I want to help. I owe you that.”

Noah shakes his head. “You don't owe me anything.”

Brian gives him a hard look. “I think I do.”

He wants to argue but at the expression on Brian's face he doesn't. It would be nice to know someone there.

Lucinda gives Noah a questioning brow. “What do you say, darling? Is this what you really still want to do?”

Noah thinks of Luke, nods and asks Brian, “What do I have to do?”

 

\--

 

The hardest part is telling Luke.

He shows up at the farm, waits in the kitchen and when Luke hesitates at the door, Noah's heart leaps to his throat. He loves him so much it's an actual physical ache and if that's scary for him, he can't imagine what it does to Luke because Noah guesses that it can't help him at all.

He smiles at Luke's wary expression. “Hey.” He was determined to walk out of here with Luke's friendship, with him still in his life.

Noah would learn to live with that. He'd have to.

“Hi.”

Luke stands a few feet away, arms crossed protectively, wary gaze aimed at Noah and that more than anything convinces him that he made the right decision. Standing in the middle of the farm kitchen where they'd fallen in love repeatedly, he feels further from Luke than he's ever felt before.

It was sad and difficult and awkward.

They were never awkward, not even at the beginning so Noah's at a loss as what to do, how to talk to Luke now. He closes his eyes and chooses the only option he has: the truth.

“I've been offered a job in Chicago.”

He senses Luke go still and, at the pained look in Luke's eyes, he wants to take it back. He could drown there. Always could. He shakes his head, breathes deep and finishes what he had practiced for days.

“It's not a great position but it's a start. Foot in the door, you know?”

“Noah, I -”

“I know you do.”

Luke's face crumbles for a moment but he finds strength from somewhere and takes a step closer to Noah. “I didn't mean those things.”

Noah wishes that was true. “Yes, you did.” He holds up his hand when Luke starts to protest. “I know you didn't mean to say it that way, baby.” He sees Luke's face soften at that, watches the tears gather in his eyes and he can't help it. He moves closer, touches his face gently, thumb wipes the wet away. “But they weren't lies.”

The ache is solid in his chest, choking but he forces the words out.

“I'm not doing you any good here.”

“That's not true.” Luke's hands reach for Noah, holding his shoulders before pulling away, like he was stung. Noah makes a sound, desperate and pained. He needs to feel Luke's touch. Sometimes, like he needs to breathe.

“I need you, Luke.”

He sees the panic but he plows ahead. Noah needs to say this.

“Whenever you walk in a room, I want to touch you. It's like a burning in my hands, you understand? I want to kiss you and hold you. I want to talk to you about everything. I want to be in our apartment, in our bed. And you can't handle any of that. Not now.”

He might never be able to but Noah doesn't say that. He brushes the hair out of Luke's face.

“I can't be here and not do those things. Luke, it'll kill me a little every day to have you right _here_ and not be with you. And in the end, that would _kill you_ because I know you love me and I know you hate hurting me. I know that.” He moves a hand carefully over Luke's shoulder and up his neck, feels him tense and Noah's heart breaks more. “This needs to be about you. You need to think about yourself. It's all that matters. Keeping you above water.”

Luke nods fervently, holds Noah's hands, unable to stop his trembling lips and stutters a quiet, “I do love you.”

Noah runs a hand over his hair. “I know that.”

He swallows, tugs a little at the hair at Luke's nape, makes him look up. “If I'm not here, you can feel free. You can heal. Get better.”

“If you leave...”

Noah shakes his head again. “You'll get better. You have family that loves you. Brothers and sisters. Friends.”

Luke shakes his head. “I can't lose you, Noah.”

Noah makes a derisive sound, his own eyes filling up now. “You think you can get rid of me that easy?” He gives Luke a watery smile. “You are my best friend. My soulmate. And nothing...nothing changes that. And I'll be here for you. Always, baby.” In whatever capacity he could be.

Luke pulls him in, buries his face in Noah's shirt and his hot tears sting against Noah skin. He fastens onto Luke's back and pretends this isn't a goodbye to who they were together.

That whatever they are now will be enough for him.

 

\--

 

A week later he says his goodbye to his family, his only home, and climbs in his car, waves as he pulls out.

When he glances in the rear view mirror, he can see Luke standing the in driveway, his form getting smaller and smaller until he disappears entirely.

 

  
**|Part Two|**   


 

 _~Oakdale, October 2010~_

 

“You've lost, Snyder, admit it. Don't embarrass yourself like this.”

Luke smiles over his cards at Casey, raises an eyebrow and motions to the table. “Put your money where your mouth is, Hughes.”

He hears Tony snort from his seat, shaking his head at both of them as he watches silently as they face off.

“You know that I'm going to win, Luke.”

“Lots of empty threats, Case.”

The door opens and Faith pauses to look at them, juggles the bag of groceries in her arms, sighing loudly. “What are you guys doing? And can you stop long enough to help Grandma with the rest of these, please?”

“Just a moment.”

He glances at her as she sets the bags down and walks up to the table, frowns at Casey. “Not to be a stick in the mud or anything but Casey? Are you supposed to be playing cards?” It's a stab at him, something she does a lot and Luke sees the annoyed glance Casey sends his sister.

“It's a friendly game.”

There's a long silence and then Tony says, grinning at Faith. “Of gin rummy.”

Her laugh has always been contagious and Luke chuckles along, ignoring the face Casey is making at both of them.

It's times like these where he can forget about his problems for a minute. Where he can pretend that everything he needs is within his reach. Where missing Noah isn't like a constant pain that he's somehow gotten used to as days turn into weeks. Weeks into months. He can think it's okay. That he can survive and be happy, content.

But it never lasts long.

Noah will send the girls an email that makes them laugh, or his mother a letter that makes her weepy or he'll say Luke's name softly when they talk and he's right back where he started. Pain and want and need so deep that he can't even breathe.

So, he pretends he doesn't feel it, that it isn't there. He can keep Noah that way.

He can tell Noah the details of his day over the phone, share his anger about how frustrated work makes him, joke about Casey, worry about his family but he can't bring himself to ask Noah to come home. Can't say the words he knows will have him there.

Partly, it's Luke's fear that having Noah back will cause some relapse. That he'll want too much and lose himself. It’s still a lot of work to go day to day and not feed that hunger.

And then there's the fear that Noah won't want what they had before. That too much had passed between them. Luke knew how well Noah was doing. He heard firsthand everything he was learning and the ways he was changing. For the better, he thinks. He can't ask Noah to give up all of that.

Not after he asked him to give up on them.

He shakes his head, clears those thoughts and looks up in time to catch that glint in his sister's eyes as she looks at Casey. The way Casey seems to be avoiding her completely. Luke frowns, gaze flicking to Tony in question, who shrugs and hides a smile behind his hands.

He hates when they do that.

Casey and Tony, next to Noah, were his closest friends – family of no blood ties, as he called them – he relied on their honesty. Especially from Tony. They were in the same place in life. Recovering from an addiction they hadn't seen coming. Mourning the loves of their lives every day.

He flicks his stare from one person to the other and realizes that Faith is still staring at Casey, the reasons becoming clear when she blushes deeply.

Oh, that's not happening.

He narrows his glare at Casey, flips his cards on the table face up and says “Gin.”

Casey meets his stare with a confused one of his own and raises his brow but says nothing.

Tony laughs so hard he needs to grip the table to keep from falling over.

 

\--

 

“I need new friends.”

“I've been telling you this for ages. We aren't very good for you.”

Luke rolls his eyes. “Not you. I'd keep you.” The words are out before he realizes and he grimaces but Noah ignores it, like he always does.

“Nice to know I rank so highly in your esteem.”

Luke can hear papers shuffling and blinks over at the clock on his nightstand. It reads nearly ten and he tries to keep his voice neutral when he asks, “You at home?”

Noah hesitates before answering. “No. Just finishing some paperwork.”

Luke bites back a sigh but before he can ask Noah if he's eaten or if he plans to, Noah says, “So, why are we getting rid of Casey and Tony and Ali and Maddie and insert your million friends’ names here?”

“Ali and Maddie can stay.”

“How gracious of you, Luke.”

He snorts at that and confesses what's been on his mind. “I think that something's going on with Casey and Faith. Or maybe something already happened. Or --” Luke's mind refuses to go there. “And Tony knows more than he's telling me.”

The silence is longer this time and for a second Luke thinks the call was dropped. Then, Noah inhales, the sound coming through the line, makes Luke shiver a little.

“I see.”

“Yeah.”

“You sure about this?”

“Sure enough.”

“Hmmm, okay, then. How do we get Tony to spill? And once he does, where are we going to hide Casey's body?”

Luke laughs hard and loud.

 

\--

 

 _~Chicago, January 2011 ~_

 

If one more thing goes wrong this morning, Noah thinks he'll seriously just start screaming at the top of his lungs. He doesn't care if Mason fires him or Brian puts him away somewhere for “rest and relaxation” while they make sure he's not crazy (he can tell them he really is for taking this job). He takes three deep breaths, tries to exhale the tension in his shoulder blades.

When the words on the page still don't make sense, he gets up from his chair and walks calmly into his boss' office, knocks and when Mason looks up at him, he drops the script on the desk. “I can't do this.”

Mason stops talking into the phone, rolls his eyes at Noah and then says quickly. “Brian, I'm gonna have to call you back. Mr. Freaked Out just walked into my office.” His eyes soften momentarily and he grins into the speaker. “He was your friend first, you tell him that.”

Noah rues the day he introduced Mason and Brian to each other. He hadn't expected a friendly dinner to turn into Noah being a third wheel. He hadn't seen that coming at all. And normally, he was more than happy that his friends found each other and that, hey, he was the one that helped make that happen. It eases the throbbing pain of losing his own failed relationship.

But today is not a normal day and he really just wants to go to his apartment, pull the covers over his head and hide until it's tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Whatever gets him out of this hell.

Better yet, he wants to get in his car and drive the three hours home, crawl into Luke's bed, and breathe him in until he's filled up with that familiar scent.

“Mason.”

His tone gives him away and Mason's teasing smile falls. “I think I better go. Yeah. It looks serious. Okay.” He pauses then smiles wryly. “Me, too. Bye.”

Noah speaks before Mason can start on one of his pep talks. “I cannot do this.”

“Yes, you can.”

Noah makes a frustrated sound and glares at Mason. He realizes most people can't get away with looking at their bosses the way he can. Mason's relationship with Brian (and his brief but really awkward crush on Noah before having met Brian) gives Noah a lot of leeway. He knows if it hadn't been for Mason's brief stint as Noah's adviser before he'd left to take the, Noah assumes, more lucrative job with the station, he wouldn't be able to get away with as much as he does. He knows Mason had liked him a little more than should have been okay. He doesn't think about what might have happened if his life hadn't changed so dramatically.

“Don't even start with your 'I'm not sure I deserve this promotion' crap, Noah.”

When the hell had he become so transparent, Noah wonders and sighs, plops into one of Mason's disgustedly expensive chairs, lets his head loll back.

“Before you make me mad enough to reconsider it, remember that in the six months you've been here, you've put in twice as many hours as any other one of our PAs. And you have that nifty degree and all those accolades. Not to mention raw talent which isn't exactly easy to come by.”

Noah closes his eyes, sinks deeper into the chair, doesn't acknowledge what Mason is saying verbally.

And wow, these chairs were worth every penny.

“I just don't want let you or Brian down. You've been supportive and...”

He feels Mason stand up, moving to the front of his desk, leaning against the edge and Noah opens his eyes, look up to see him cross his arms. He thinks that Mason really needs to get shorter scarves before he accidentally chokes himself. He might have to mention it to Brian. “It's okay to let yourself be a little happy, Noah. To believe you deserve this. To let yourself grow some roots here. Doesn't mean you love what you left behind any less.”

He's never been sure how much Brian has shared with Mason – their relationship is a happy fuzzy mystery to Noah for the most part – but he thinks it might be more than he’s comfortable with.

“I know that.”

Which he does.

It's just an easier thought than it is an action.

Mason nods, waves a hand in the direction of his door and Noah rolls his eyes, gets to his feet.

“Okay, then. Get down to studio, Mr. Director's Assistant. Make us proud and all that.”

Noah smiles, gives a curt salute and steps into the hallway...stumbling right into Matt. He holds his hands out to steady him before he topples and Matt's own hands reach back, warm on his shoulders. Noah pulls back sharply, doesn't pay attention to the tingle on his skin. It's been a long time since he was touched and Matt does it constantly.

If he wasn't such a sweet, sincere guy, Noah would have told him to back off. But Matt doesn't push and Noah knows that Matt honestly likes him.

He’s also really _really_ handsy.

“Hey, Matt.”

“Noah! Congratulations, man.” He grips Noah's shoulders and brings him into a hug. Something loosens in Noah's chest and he flashes to Luke. Clearing his throat, he gently pushes Matt away, smiles wide at the grin he receives.

“Thanks. I know you've been here longer...”

Matt makes a _pfft_ noise, waves his words away. “Dude, you've practically killed yourself working. You completely deserve this.” His eyes fall to Noah's lips and then back up, his smile softening. “So, I was thinking, maybe we could go to dinner? Celebrate?”

Noah blinks, rubs the back of his neck and lets his gaze fall to the floor. “Um...Matt...I don't think...”

He doesn't have to look to see Matt's face fall or to feel the way he covers, his body tilting back an inch.

“No, it's okay. Just a suggestion.”

Noah grimaces at the cheery tone and lifts his gaze, tries to apologize but Matt just shrugs, kisses his forehead before walking backwards down the hall saying, “Offer is always on the table.”

Noah watches him go for a moment before he remembers he needs to be down on the floor, doing the job he isn't prepared for at all.

 

\--

 

“Well good for Mason.”

“Thanks for the back up, Snyder.”

Noah turns on his side and hides his grin in his pillow when Luke snorts loudly. 'When have I ever not supported you, Noah?”

He doesn't say anything.

“It's not a trick question, asshole.”

Noah sighs, smiles softly into the phone. “Never.”

“Took you long enough.” There's a rustling and Noah shoves the image of Luke in his bed out of his mind. If he learned anything in the past months is that the only way he can survive around Luke is to pretend things that aren't true. “Listen to me, Noah, okay? You are amazing. Always have been. I know you're going to be huge one day.”

It sends that familiar warmth through his limbs and Noah closes his eyes, memorizes the way Luke breathes so that he can take it with him into sleep. “You were the first one to believe in me.”

“Don't forget that when you're writing your Oscar speech. I expect my props.”

Noah chuckles low and soft.

 

\--

 

 _~Oakdale, May 2011~_

 

Life has to go on.

It's just the way it happens.

Luke knows that.

He meets Reid during one of the hospital board meetings and the doctor's attitude makes him raise an eyebrow but he doesn't bother interacting with him. He only goes because he likes to make sure the money he gives the hospital _actually_ helps the _hospital_. Luke finds Reid kind of amusing if assholish.

Damian hates Reid with a passion. It's pretty mutual, actually.

He doesn't think twice about him until Natalie goes in for a knee cast and the doctor’s hard exterior softens a little.

Not that it makes that much of a difference but when he runs into Reid in the hospital cafeteria after a grueling AA meeting, he doesn't say no when Reid invites him to sit.

Well, more like demands he not pass out because he doesn't feel like treating Luke for a concussion. His schedule wouldn't fit it.

They start meeting that way every week and Luke doesn't think about what it means.

Reid is crass and sharp-edged but he's a decent person, honest, even if brutally so. He's a hell of a doctor and that's the one thing that makes Luke realize that there's more there. Nothing soft because – no, that's not him.

But he's worth getting to know.

In the back of his mind, he realizes that Reid is interesting for two reasons:

One. He isn't Noah (which is good because Luke wants Noah so badly that a constant reminder would be torture).

And two (the more important reason, really).

It pisses Damian off that Luke and Reid are friends.

So when Reid asks him to dinner, Luke surprises them both by saying yes. They've been friends for a long time now.

He thinks of Noah the whole time and Reid senses it but doesn't say a word. When they finish talking, there's some kind of agreement that they not define anything.

Luke doesn't want to replace Noah because that would be impossible. What they were....that was once in a lifetime. He knows that. And he misses him every day. So much that sometimes it's hard for him not to blurt it out to Noah.

But he caused him so much pain, so much loss and he doesn't know if he could promise Noah anything real. He doesn't know if wanting him is enough. It wasn't before. Their love didn't stop Luke from drinking, from chasing the oblivion of drugs, from falling so far that he'd betrayed Noah even without knowing.

Reid is easy.

Uncomplicated.

And Luke is human. He craves contact. Before Greyson and everything that went down, he lived to hug and kiss Noah. To feel his touch everywhere. He'll never be the same person he was then but he's healed enough to need it again.

When he and Reid sleep together for the first time, it's a relief from the loneliness. It's been a year since Noah left. He touches Reid and it’s not that instant overwhelming heat, not that urgent tug of possession it was with Noah. He doesn't lose his way with Reid, doesn't let it all go.

It's warm and comfortable.

And for a moment, just a spark of a second, he misses Noah so much, it makes him gasp. But he forgets it just as fast.

It's nothing new.

Missing Noah is like breathing.

His mother doesn't say much when he mentions that he and Reid are dating. Her dark eyes study his face and he watches her force a smile. “If you're happy, baby, then I'm happy for you.”

Luke doesn't correct that assumption. He's better than he has been since Holden died. He's content and if he sometimes wakes up with Noah's name on his lips, he doesn't think about it.

Damian confronts Luke when he finds out, yells at his back as Luke walks away.

He can't say he doesn't enjoy that.

He's waiting for Reid at Java when Casey sits at the table, stares at him hard. Luke raises an eyebrow. They haven't quite recovered from the Faith debacle (even though Luke understands _now_ that Casey hadn't actually done anything to merit the punch Luke had given him) and were cautious with each other these days.

“You need to tell him.”

He doesn't pretend not to know what Casey is talking about. Luke has been avoiding Noah's calls for a week, claiming in emails that he's been too busy. He knows that Noah forgives and lets go easier than Luke will ever be able to.

“He asks me every time we talk what he did to make you mad at him, Luke. How he can fix it.”

That's like a punch in the gut and Luke takes in a sharp breath, eyes stay locked with Casey for a long time before Luke glances away.

Casey sighs, says. “He's your best friend. The love of your life. And even if you can't be together, right now or ever, he's the one person who deserves to know.”

Luke nods. “I'll tell him.”

 

\--

 

The silence stretches out and Luke bites his lip, willing Noah to say anything. He hadn't meant to blurt it out but the moment Noah had said “Luke!” in that breathless voice, Luke had cracked. He'd spilled about Reid – who he had mentioned in passing a few times – how they'd been friends and then something else. He wants to tell Noah that it's nothing like what they were. That nothing ever would be but the words stick in his chest and he just lets the quiet settle.

Noah clears his throat, voice thick when he says “Thank you for telling me.”

That isn't what he expects.

Not what he wanted.

But that's what he gets.

“So.”

Luke raises his eyebrows, tightens the grip on his phone until his knuckles turn white. “So.”

“Tell me you don't love that Damian hates him.”

Luke blinks, lets out a hysterical laugh and shakes his head.

Noah never ceases to surprise him.

 

\--

 

 _~Oakdale, November 2011~_

 

Noah steps out of his rental car, glances up at the house, and feels that incessant tug of home. It makes him smile because who the hell would have known that this would be where he'd find that. The roof needs some work, the porch some new paint, he notes as he pulls the bags from the trunk. Maybe he could bribe Luke into helping him get that done.

He rolls his eyes at himself because really.

“Holy crap. It _really_ is a farm.”

Noah flicks his gaze to Matt for a second, grins, before looking back up the drive. “I told you it was.”

“Yeah. But you know – people say stuff like that and you just don't think about it being an _actual_ farm with like cows and chickens and horses.”

Noah snorts, hauls his bag over his shoulder, avoiding Matt when he tries to grab his own. They make their way up the winding lane slowly. “What did you expect then?”

Matt waves his arms around. “I don't know! I'm a city boy. I thought, you know, maybe some corn growing in the front yard, a couple animals...” He stops when Noah bends over laughing, smacks him hard on his back. “Stop making fun of me.” His hand stays there, warm through Noah's shirt and when their eyes meet, Matt smiles wide.

Noah returns it but moves away, dislodges Matt's hand as subtly as he can.

Matt doesn't say a word and keeps walking.

Noah wants to explain. He's never been one to cower away from touching Matt. It's actually something Noah hadn't realized how much he'd missed until he'd been without for too long. He'd spent his entire life, up until he met Luke, devoid of real contact with someone. He'd never known how much love a person could show through a hand or a hug. Everything you felt when fingers ran down your spine, curved at your neck. How that could translate into a statement.

Meeting Luke had changed that.

It was like feeding a starving man a seven-course meal.

When it was gone, the hunger had been worse than before.

He liked having someone to touch. Someone who touched him.

But no matter how close he and Luke have remained, how much of their lives they share, Noah can't be comfortable being around Luke and touching someone else. It's an unspoken rule between them and Noah thinks that both Matt and Reid understand. He's grateful for that.

He can pretend it doesn't kill him a little still to know that Luke isn't his anymore.

Noah shoves his thoughts out of his mind as they reach the porch steps and Matt opens the screen door to let him pass. He looks up and grins without meaning to at Reid sitting on the loveseat, stricken look on his face as he listens to Meg and Jack describe exactly what a Hubbard squash is.

“Even the vegetables in this town are mutant, is what you're telling me.”

Noah lets out a laugh and three pairs of eyes turn to look at him. Jack grabs one of his bags, gives him a half hug and re-introduces himself to Matt.

“I think we might have met prior to the big scuffle at the Fourth of July.”

Matt shakes Jack hand, nods with a smile. “All that police activity made me forget pretty much everything else so it's nice to meet you again, Jack.”

Noah holds back a sigh. “Am I ever living that day down?”

He glances up when Reid stands, smirking his way. “It's not every day someone gets to punch Damian Grimaldi. Most of us envy the hell out of you, Noah.”

And that is why Noah can't hate Reid. He should have. This guy – this world renowned doctor – had what he wanted most in his life. He got to have Luke.

When Noah had shown up for a visit and found Reid at dinner with the family, Noah had really tried to hate him. There he was in his seat, next to Luke, eating like it was the first meal he'd ever had (which Noah would later learn was just the way Reid ate – the son of a bitch could put it away) and Noah had felt that stab of jealousy. He'd managed to be coolly polite. As the dinner wore on, it had gotten harder and he'd hidden away on the porch, trying to get his feet under him.

Reid had joined him and Noah remembers wanting to tell him to fuck off but instead he'd scooted over so Reid could sit down. They'd been silent for several minutes when Reid had finally turned to him and said, “So you're the guy I'm never going to be.”

Noah had blinked at him, raised an eyebrow and replied. “So you're the guy I was supposed to be.”

Reid had given him a long, hard look before saying, “He sure knows how to pick them, doesn't he?”

And that had been it. Noah had laughed in spite of how much that bluntness should have hurt.

He'd learned Reid was that way with everyone except he seemed inclined to be less so with Noah. He wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was the guy taking his place in Luke's life, and he felt guilt (Noah doesn't think that's really possible with Reid), or if something about Noah just made Reid less of a jerk sometimes. They just seemed to find a common ground and as the visits continued, their lives all moving forward, they'd become something that could be called friends.

Also the fact that Noah had exposed Damian's plot to get Reid kicked out of Memorial had helped somewhat.

Reid shakes Noah's hand and cants his head towards the inside of the house. “Fair warning that he may try to retaliate. Remember to duck and weave.”

Noah made a face. “He's here?”

“Apparently Lily is giving him a second chance.” Jack grits through his teeth and moves aside as Meg hugs Noah tight.

Noah looks over her shoulder at Reid and is greeted with a shrug. “Hey, it's not like he tried to get rid of you. I'm thinking that would have made more of an impact.”

He wants to apologize for that because it's not fair. Reid is good to Luke. They seem happy (Noah thinks past that quickly, doesn't let the yank of jealousy get a grip on his heart) and that's all that matters to him. Luke's happiness is what they broke their hearts for.

He moves toward the door, opens it slowly and sticks his head through first.

“Am I too late or has Reid eaten all the food already?”

There's a lot of noise after that. Hugs and kisses and questions that Noah has to answer. He keeps an eye on Matt as he's passed around the room, treated to the Snyder effect. Natalie runs in from the parlor, throws her hands around Noah's waist and stays there until Lily makes her let go. She took Luke and Noah's breakup the hardest of all the family, Noah thinks.

“Squirt, look at you.”

She rolls her eyes. “Don't call me that, Noah.” She points at herself. “I'm two inches bigger than the last time you were here.”

“Is that so?”

Ethan pulls on his pant leg to show Noah his new toy when Luke walks in the room. Noah doesn't need to see him. He can feel Luke the moment he enters and he turns, Luke's smile wide, edged with that same sadness his probably always has, too. He removes Ethan's hands, bends to ask the little boy to give him a minute, then walks across the short distance to draw Luke into his arms, wraps around and holds tight.

Luke tucks his face into Noah's neck and grips his back, inhales.

“Hi.”

Noah wants to laugh or cry. He's never sure when it comes to Luke.

“Hi.”

 

\--

 

“I think it's going way better than last time,” Matt whispers as he leans over to reach for the sweet potatoes that somehow had made a permanent home in front of Reid.

“Don't jinx it. We’ve still got dessert.”

Reid snorts to his left and Noah glances over. He can't blame him. Damian has spent the entire dinner throwing jabs at Reid and all but ignored Noah's presence. Which was perfectly okay with him.

Noah sits between Matt and Reid, throws Luke amused or annoyed glances between conversations and food.

“So, Matthew, have you met the Colonel yet?”

The thud of Luke's glass as it hits the table is loud even above the clatter. Everyone pauses, a hush falls over the room and all eyes swing to Noah. His fork is posed in the air as he turns to narrow his glare at Damian.

He was _not_ going there.

Matt raises an eyebrow, looks over at Noah and shakes his head when he turns back to Damian, tone hard. “Don't think that will be necessary.”

Damian nods, sips his drink and replies, “Well that's lucky for you. Reduces your chances of ending up in a wheelchair, doesn't it?”

Matt looks confused and Damian senses that. “Oh, you had not heard. Years ago, Noah's father shot Luke shortly after Noah came out, leaving him paralyzed.”

Luke slams his hands on the table. “What the fuck, Damian?”

Noah can't breathe. He doesn't think about those days often. Tries not to let that helpless feeling come back. He couldn't save Luke then. He can't be here for him now. That feeling rushes through him. He feels Matt's hand on his arm, squeezing and Noah works it out in his mind.

“I supposed it could have been worse.”

Noah looks over at Damian when he says, “At least he was upfront with his hate, don't you think? He could have just tried to sneak me off to some kind of de-gayifying camp. Think of the kind of damage that kind of thing could cause.”

He catches Luke's eye and sees him nod, slight smile aimed at him.

Lily interferes when Damian starts to stand up and gets the dessert out. It's uncomfortable to say the least and they eat slowly, the previous conversations at a standstill. Everyone is waiting for Damian to react. Noah can't imagine that anyone else doesn't want the bastard gone so they can digest in peace.

He feels Reid's arm snake around his shoulder, reaching for the edge of his arm sleeve, sliding it up. “Hey, Matt. You see this scar?”

Noah startles a look at Reid, eyes flicking to Luke who watches quietly.

Matt seems to be in on whatever this is because he leans in, looks at the area in question. “This one?”

Reid pats Noah's arm and says, “Yeah. Noah got that one from a gunshot wound he received.” He lets go and picks up his fork. “Some kidnapping gone wrong. Apparently, they wanted some money that had been stolen from them and Noah ended up paying for Damian's criminal ways.”

Damian's chair scrapes against the floor and the door slams against the frame a few seconds after.

There's a long a silence and then Noah points to the apple pie.

“Anyone else want some?”

Reid raises his hand.

 

\--

 

He volunteers to clean up with Luke. They haven't had a chance to talk and he needs to. It's time to recharge so it can last him through the times he won't see Luke.

They stand side by side, Luke handing Noah the dishes.

“About what Damian said, Noah, you know I never --”

“Don't be stupid. I know.” He bumps his shoulder against Luke's and they smile at each other. It's so familiar and Noah wants to lean down, brush his mouth over Luke's. He itches to taste him.

Noah turns back to the glass in his hand and rubs it dry, places it on the side counter, talks himself out of kissing Luke right against the sink. Thinks about Matt in the parlor playing board games with Nat and Ethan.

“Is it supposed to be like this?”

Noah turns back and raises an eyebrow. “Like what?”

“Like this easy.”

Noah gives him a slightly bemused look. “This is easy?”

Luke shakes his head. “Not us, exactly. That still takes work.”

That's an understatement if he's ever heard one.

“I mean, aren't we supposed to actually hate Reid and Matt?”

Noah thinks about it and nods. “That's how they say it goes.”

“But I don't hate Matt. He's a nice guy.”

“I don't hate Reid.”

Luke meets his glance and smiles wryly. “We can't even do a break up right can we?”

Noah leans his head on Luke's, breathes in the scent and allows himself a quick kiss to Luke's temple.

“We've never done things the right way.”

 

\--

 

“You guys make it home, okay?”

“We did.”

He's going to say it this time even if it doesn't end well.

“Good. Mom wants to make sure you don't waste the leftovers so, please, eat them, Noah.”

Noah chuckles. “You think I won't?”

“No, I know better.”

It's on the end of his tongue.

Noah hears Luke's restrained yawn and smiles into the phone. “I think you need to sleep”

“Yeah. I'll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Okay. Tomorrow.”

 _Love you._

The line goes dead.

 

\--

 

 _~Oakdale, December 2011~_

 

Luke hears tires on the graveled drive and raises his head to look over at his clock. It reads two in the morning so whoever just arrived isn't coming with good news. His feet touch the cold floor making him curse softly as he searches for shoes. He gives up and grabs a blanket, throwing it over his shoulders and rushes down the stairs. He doesn't want the rest of the family to wake up unless it's necessary.

When he reaches the foot of the stairs and opens the door into the kitchen, he half expects Jack to be standing there with that same look he'd had when his dad had died. Luke can never forget and he has to pause to let the dizziness pass. He hopes that it will get easier someday. His eyes scan the room but no one's there, no voices coming from the parlor and he thinks maybe it had been his imagination after all.

The creak on the porch tells him it wasn't.

He peeks through the window and his heart trips over when he finds Noah's troubled blue stare looking back at him. He breaks for the back door, yanks it open and is outside before he remembers it's the middle of December.

“What's wrong?”

Noah doesn't forget though.

“Luke, you don't have a coat.”

“I don't care! What happened?” His eyes darken and he searches Noah for a wound. “Are you okay? Is it Matt?” It's so completely unexpected that Luke doesn't have time to put up that wall he uses when he deals with Noah. His hands roam over Noah's shoulders, down his chest, over his arms, their hands linking on instinct. “It's two in the morning, you drove three hours to get here at two in the morning, don't tell me something isn't wrong.”

Noah is standing still, eyes roaming over Luke's face and it makes him freeze, realize they're standing closer than they have in almost two years. Noah reaches up, cradles his face and leans down, breath whispers over his skin.

Luke stops thinking and curves into the touch before it hits him: fear cutting deep. He can't do this. If they do and Luke can't... he doesn't think they can survive this time. It's not worth losing Noah completely. Luke feels sick at the thought and that's enough.

“Noah, don't.”

It's the hardest words he's had to say in a long time.

He watches Noah swallow, take a step back and glance at the floor.

“Why aren't you wearing shoes?”

Luke blinks, looks down, and shakes his head. “Seriously. This is what we're going to talk about.”

Noah sighs, pushes Luke to the loveseat and makes him stay while he goes in and finds his coat and a pair of socks from Luke can't figure out where. He always had a knack for finding Luke's lost things. They sit in silence while Luke dons them both and, when he's finished, turns to ask Noah what was wrong again.

“I've got a job offer.” Noah takes his hand, thumb strokes over Luke's fingers and he has to work to concentrate on Noah's words. “You remember my friend Gabe?”

Luke nods, curls his fingers into Noah's hand, holds him in place.

“He started his own production company a couple of years ago and it’s doing really well. I mean, really fucking well. They've produced two huge films in the last year and he wants to try more. Asked me to work directly on a project he has in progress. Wants to give me a chance.”

“Noah!” Luke grins, touches Noah's face and then draws him in, embrace tight and warm. “Oh my god. That's – baby, that's huge. It's your dream. I can't even --”

Noah sighs into his shoulder, buries his face for a second before gently pushing them apart.

“It's in California.”

Luke stares at him because well yeah.

Noah looks away when he says, “I have to move to California.”

 _Oh._

The words cause Luke to panic and he feels his fingers tremble so he lifts them from Noah's shoulders, crosses his arms over his stomach.

“I don't want to be that far away.” Noah shakes his head at himself, Luke thinks, scrubs one hand over his face. Luke notices the dark circles under his eyes, reaches to trace them with his thumb.

“How long have you been trying to decide?”

“A week.”

Luke drops his shoulders, rubs the back of his neck and looks at Noah askance. “This is what you've been working for.”

Noah nods. “I know that, Luke. But – I miss home now so much that I can't stand it some days. I don't want to be so far away that I can't come here on a whim when I feel homesick.”

It was the one good point of having Noah so close. Chicago was far enough that they could pretend. This would be something else.

“I don't want to be far away from the family. From Casey and Ali. From you.”

Luke closes his eyes. He wants to beg Noah to stay. Because having him close by – though it hurt that it wasn't them the way he thought they'd be – was a blessing. Noah was his best friend. The person he could count on no matter what. His saving grace.

Noah deserved his dreams.

And Luke loved him too much to let him throw those away.

He reaches for Noah, turns him to look at Luke. “You're not moving off the planet, dork. It's across the country. And you know those new-fangled inventions called phones are pretty useful in letting you communicate with people from long distances.” He can see the debate in Noah's head and presses his hands to Noah's temples, carding his fingers through the hair there. “Noah. This is big. This is like life-changing big. You can't let it pass by.”

Luke swallows, shifts so he's sitting slightly sideways and falls back against Noah, head tucked under his chin. Noah's hands fall down and tangle with Luke's like they used to.

“I think you should go.”

He feels Noah's breath stutter against the side of his face, the nod of his head, his fingers tighten with Luke's.

“Okay.”

Luke closes his eyes and tells himself it's the right thing to do. That this time it's Noah's happiness they need to fight for.

He shuts down the thoughts that maybe they're going about this the wrong way now.

 

\--

 

A few weeks later Luke receives an email from Noah, the subject line indicates it's for the whole family, image attached and when he downloads it, he smiles despite the jolt of pain it produces.

Noah is standing on the beach, wide smile in place, blue eyes shining, holding a sign.

It simply says: _Wish you were here._

 

  
**|Part Three|**   


 

 _~Los Angeles, February 2013 ~_

 

Noah stares at his reflection in the mirror, eyes the cut of the suit, rolling his shoulders in an effort to make it fall better over his shoulders. He's never going to be a suit guy, he thinks. Maybe it was that he was required to wear one every Sunday from when he was five until he was eighteen. His father insisted. It was never him. Noah prefers to be comfortable and low key.

But he tends to put that aside for special occasions. Especially when he’s a prominent figure in those particular occasions. He pats his pocket, finds the bulge of the ring and breathes.

Abe would kill him if he lost it.

He isn't sure how he finds himself as the best man in his ex-wife's wedding.

All Noah knows is that if he hadn't reconnected with Ameera when he'd moved to California, he wouldn't have survived the last year. He still doesn't even know how it all went down. He'd called her when he'd arrived, asked her to lunch and it was like what it should have been so many years before. She hugged him, forced him to admit why he and Luke had broken up (not the tame version he told the rest of the world but the real, gut-wrenching truth that he forced himself not to think about), and he’d since endured her constant pushing that he rethink it and go after Luke.

It was all his fault that she acted that way.

When she'd left for California, he'd given her Abe's number, thinking that it would be a good idea for her to know someone. Noah and Abe had been close friends through his last couple of years of high school and had kept in touch. He'd been someone Noah was able to share his love of film with. They'd planned to go to Hollywood together one day and blow up: Abe, writing. Noah, directing. Things had never worked out but Abe had made it and he figured his two friends should meet.

He wasn't expecting them to fall in love and when they did, that their lives would become as crazy as they had.

Abe's family had always frowned on his friendship with Noah (he’s pretty sure now that it was because Mrs. Parker had known Noah was gay), had always preferred their children to interact strictly with people from their temple circle. Abe had explained that his family's belief had left them very little room to be flexible. He was supposed to marry within the Orthodox religion. He was supposed to stay close to his family and community. He was supposed to give up who he wanted to be.

That hadn't worked and Abe had left home at eighteen, his family cutting all ties with him and Noah thinks now that it's for the best.

Ameera and Abe's relationship would not have gone over well if he still had family.

He smiles at his reflection and thinks it's probably why they had become so close. They constantly said he was their family, the one they chose and he's grateful to have that in his life.

He misses his own so much.

Reaching for the tie, he pauses when the door opens and his heart skips that beat when Luke sticks his head around the corner. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

He enters the room, dark gray suit fitting the line of his shoulder perfectly, light gray shirt opened two buttons, his own tie slung around his neck loosely. Noah can't even think straight when he stares at him.

Luke grins, hands on his hips. “Are you having second thoughts?”

“I'm not the one getting married.”

“Not this time, no. I think you learned your lesson.”

“Yeah. Don't marry a girl. Doesn't work out for me.”

Luke chuckles, moves forward and grabs the lapels of Noah's jacket. Noah breathes through it and wonders who he should kill (or thank, really) for making Luke so tactile. When Luke reaches for his tie, Noah blinks back the deja vu and raises an eyebrow.

“What are you doing?”

Luke glances up as his fingers work the knot, under and over and through the loop, never faltering one moment. “You were never any good at this, Noah.”

Noah snorts. “I was always good at this. I just used it as an excuse.”

Luke smirks, smoothes a hand down the front of his shirt, tucks the perfect Windsor knot in place. “Oh-ho. So, that's what your game plan was.”

“What can I say, you're hard to resist.”

He flexes his hands at his side, refuses to give in to that constant urge but when Luke smiles up at him, he has to close them into fists to keep from pulling him in.

“You better believe it, baby.” He kisses Noah’s cheek, winks on the way out as he calls over his shoulder, “Abe is freaking out, come on.”

Noah lets his head drop onto his chest and sighs.

Sometimes he hated Luke Snyder almost as much as he loved him.

 

\--

 

The wedding reception is in full swing and Noah relaxes for the first time all day. It's been non-stop go from the moment Ameera had called him up to tell him that Abe had proposed and that he was going to be their joint best man/maid of honor (he still doesn't know how he feels about that). They'd decided on a quick wedding, and neither one adhering to their religious upbringings much, they'd gone for a civil ceremony.

Noah had wondered why they were in a rush but they'd been adamant that they simply wanted to be together.

It wasn't until Ameera started throwing up two weeks before the wedding that they'd told him the other reason.

He was happy for them.

Luke practically had kittens when Ameera called him to share the news.

Somehow after Noah's confession to Ameera, she had reached out to Luke and they'd become the fast friends they never could have been before. When Noah couldn't make it home for the holidays (he and Matt had gone to his family that year), Abe and Ameera had taken his place.

He looks around the room, half full of Snyders and smiles. There's nothing like being surrounded by everyone he loves in the world. His gaze falls to Luke, head thrown back at whatever Abe had just said to him and lets himself look. It's been a long time since he allowed it. Luke's hair is longer than it’s been for a while, strands hanging down over his forehead, light blonde. Noah remembers how soft it is.

Two arms twine over his neck and he doesn't have to turn to know who it is.

“You should tell him.”

He can see her reflection in the mirrored wall across the room. She’s beautiful, more breathtaking than he'd ever seen her.

Noah shakes his head, sighs as he glances behind at her. “Ameera.” He sometimes misses the shy girl he knew once. This woman she is – in love and about to have a family – is wonderful and confident.

And pushy like no one would believe if he told them.

“He's alone.”

Noah takes a sip of his water. “Because Reid had surgery today,”

“You're alone.”

He flicks his gaze at her. “Because Matt is on location.”

Ameera stares at him hard. “You two are really going to make this difficult, aren't you?”

“We aren't.”

She shakes her head, grips his arms tight as she nods towards Luke. “Tell me you don't love him.”

He loves her like sister and for the most part, Ameera's steadfast belief that he and Luke belonged together was a balm for Noah, even when he knew it was impossible. But sometimes...it felt like an open wound being poked at.  
He sets his glass of water on the table, takes her hand from his arm and blocks her view of Luke.

“Do you know what it's like to watch the one person you love the most in the world fall apart at the seams?” His mind wanders through the memories, the nightmares that plagued him. “Any idea, Ameera, what it does to you to know, to realize, that you're the reason they can't be fixed? That you can't help them.” He swallows down the anger at himself, at Luke, at all the ways they would never be. “It killed me to walk away from him. But if I hadn't, he would never have been able to get to where he is.”

He can hear Luke's laugh and it's like the sign he needs to know it was worth it.

“He's happy, Ameera. Everything else isn't important.”

He stops talking when he sees her heartbroken expression and when she starts to apologize he hugs her quickly.

“I'm sorry, Noah. I didn't know.”

He didn't either.

 

\--

 

Luke keeps his gaze on Noah as he walks across the room toward his grandmother, smiles when Noah kisses her cheek softly and whispers something in Lucinda’s ear to make her laugh. It sends that familiar thrill through his blood, makes him wish things that can't happen. He's learned to ignore the innate reaction to wanting Noah. It's the way it is.

His eyes follow the tray of champagne as it floats by, sharp kick of thirst in his stomach and he glances away. He forgets how much harder these days can be when it's all around him.

Noah's laugh is loud, brings Luke's attention back to him.

Sometimes he's not sure which need is worse.

He watches Noah guide Lucinda to the floor and grins when they stumble together to the quiet song over the speakers. He can't imagine it's easy to lead with Lucinda Walsh as your partner. They sway around for a few minutes, talking animatedly about Luke could not guess what.

Something he doesn't recognize drives him forward. He downs the soda in his glass, drops it on a passing tray and makes his way across the room to greet them.

Luke has no idea what's changing but there's a new awareness he hadn't had for years now. Reid thinks it's the book.

He’s right.

When he reaches the dancing pair's side, he clears his throat and two set of curious eyes turn to him.

“Do you mind if I cut in?”

Noah gives him a soft smile and starts to step away, offering Luke his grandmother's hand as he does, freezing when Luke takes his instead.

“You don't mind do you, Grandmother?”

She smiles at them, sweeping one hand over Luke's shoulders as she walks back to her table. “Of course not, darling.”

Noah hesitates only a second before accepting Luke's other hand, and they pick up the beat on the next turn. They were always good at this part, their bodies syncing together like they were meant to do that. Luke leans his head on Noah's shoulder, fingers rubbing gently on his upper arm. He can pretend better this way.

They stay that way from one song to the next, never changing the pace or their distance.

Luke takes a deep breath as he says, “Did I tell you I sold the book?”

Noah pushes back an inch, eyebrows at his hairline. “You didn't?”

Luke grins and then laughs when Noah picks him off his feet in a hug.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

This is what he misses most, sharing his life with Noah, the details that make it important.

“I wasn't sure until earlier today.”

He'd wanted to tell Noah first. The idea for the book had spawned from their late night conversations and Noah had encouraged Luke to tell his story, their story in any way he could.

They're standing in the middle of the dance floor, no longer moving, and Luke realizes in just that moment that nothing has changed how he feels. It's a frightening thought and when he sees the pride shining in Noah's eyes it takes him back to the beginning of where they found themselves. He can't handle that yet.

He buries his face in Noah chest and lets the warmth of Noah's hand on his back seep through his clothes, over his skin and inside.

“I knew you could do it.”

Luke nods, the softness of the shirt caressing his skin and he just holds on. “You always believe in me.”

Noah's other hand delves into Luke's hair, curves at the back of his neck and Noah's lips touch his temple softly.

“And I always will.”

Some things change.

Some things never will.

 

\--

 

 _~Oakdale, August 2013~_

 

Noah opens his phone again, re-dials Luke's number, cursing when it goes straight to voice mail. He contemplates trying Lily's but it's been doing the same thing.

“The storm's been cutting out service.”

He glances up at the cab driver. That would make sense. Noah realizes driving into a possible tornado isn't the smartest idea but he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't say anything, just grunts and forces his hands to unclench. The grip of uncertainty in his heart and stomach are harder to control.

It never fails to shock him how his life can change from one minute to the next.

Noah thinks it's ridiculous that eight hours ago he'd been lying in his empty bed, script and breakdowns spread over his covers. He'd been excited, happy that Gabe had approved his idea for a documentary. An old script dealing with his father and how he'd shaped Noah's life. He'd abandoned it when his father had tried to take him away from Oakdale in his last ditch effort to save Noah. There had been plenty of footage at the time but Noah had burned it all in a show of release.

He wished he hadn't.

His first thought was to call Luke, tell him all about it but one glance over at the empty side of his bed and he squelched it. Matt deserved that Noah try to put him first.

When the phone rang, he'd jumped and glanced at the clock. He was expecting Matt's call so he picked up without thinking to check who it was.

“Hello.”

He could hear breathing, fast and unsteady.

“Matt?”

Faith's voice greeted him. “Noah?”

His heart had stopped. It was three in the morning. Luke.

“Is it...what's going on, Faith.”

The call kept fading out and Noah's hand tightened on his phone as he tried to make out what Faith was saying.

“You need to come....he's here....Noah, we don't know....and Luke....needs you...”

That was the last he'd heard but that had been enough. Noah was out of his bed, shoving his legs into his jeans, calling to get a flight to Oakdale, racing to shove whatever clothes he could find in a bag and running out the door. He'd caught his flight, trying anyone back home and getting nothing.

His anxiety had increased when the pilot mentioned the horrible storm hitting their destination and the possibility they would have to turn around. Noah prayed that wasn't the case. He had no idea what the hell was going on. Someone had been listening because when he'd landed in Oakdale, the storm had hit hard enough that they closed down the airport but he'd made it there first.

The cab driver assures him that they're safe at the moment and Noah doesn't hear anything else. When they turn into the farm's driveway, he shoves a fifty at him, grabs his bag, and starts at a run for the house. The rain is coming down in pelts and he doesn't head around to the kitchen. The parlor entrance is closer so he makes towards it. Reaching the door, he bends to grab the extra key under the mat, thinks that maybe they need to find a new spot for it. He rams the key into the lock, turns and the door creaks open. He falls into the hall entrance, dripping wet all over the floor. Dropping his bag, he enters into the living room and stops dead in his tracks.

Luke is sitting on the couch, head bent into his hands, shoulders shaking slightly.

Noah lets the relief wash over him, forces the fear that he'd find Luke hurt or worse away.

“Luke?”

His voice startles them both, makes Luke raise his head, eyes red from crying and that panic is back.

“What happened?”

Luke shakes his head, tries to say something but the sob that comes out does nothing to make Noah feel anything other than complete fear. He moves towards him, reaches for his face.

“Baby, what's going on? What is it?”

One of the kids was hurt. Lily. Or Emma was sick. Reid had been an accident. Casey was... every horrible thought he could ever have, tumbles through his mind. Luke's fingers clutch at his dripping clothes and when he looks up at Noah, something in his eyes makes him pause.

There was a light there Noah hadn't seen in too long.

“I don't understand.”

From the corner of his eye he catches movement and pulls his gaze away from Luke to focus on it. Everything slows down, his head spins and he grips Luke's shoulders, fingers digging into skin.

He is losing his mind.

Standing between Lily and Emma – who are looking back at him with joy and disbelief – is Holden Snyder.

Breathing and alive and so colorful that Noah thinks he isn't real.

He is losing his mind.

Luke's fingers are on his face and his voice is full of wonder. “It's really him, Noah.”

That can't be possible, he thinks. But then Holden meets his wide stare and smiles gently.

“Hey there, kiddo.”

Noah keeps his feet under him even when his knees threaten to give out, flicks his gaze from Holden to Luke, who gives him a watery grin and back. Letting go of Luke, he crosses the room, takes note that Lily and Emma are holding Holden up and doesn't care to ask why yet. He throws his arms around Holden's shoulders, grips the back of his shirt and tucks his face into Holden's neck.

He feels the rumble of a laugh against him and Holden's amused voice say, “It's good to see you, too, Noah.”

Noah laughs through his tears and holds on tighter.

 

\--

 

Noah opens his eyes when someone sits next to him, presses their shoulder against his. He rolls his head to look over at Reid, smiles wide. “How is he?”

“For a dead guy, he's remarkably healthy.”

Noah snorts a little, jostles his arm against Reid. “Be nice.”

“Oh, come on, Noah. I mean, Jesus Christ, what the hell is in the water in this town? Tell me it doesn't freak you out that randomly people just pop up from the dead. It's not normal.”

He grins at Reid, settles against the solid warmth and understands a little more why he likes the son of a bitch so much. “You do realize that if it is the water, you're fucked.”

Reid puffs out a laugh and levels him with an amused stare. “I only drink bottled water.”

Noah's smile falls a little and Reid catches it, sighs and answers his original question. “He's a little weak but that's to be expected. Guy has been in a coma for four years. I won't know the extent of whatever cerebral damage he may have received until I talk to the attending doctor in Richmond.”

Noah shakes his head. “This isn't making sense, though. When Holden died, his face was all over the papers. Shouldn't somebody have recognized him?”

It's a question he knows everyone is asking themselves. They shouldn't have missed the fact that Holden wasn't the body in the truck.

“Better question is – how did the lab mix up Holden's DNA with someone else? It's a pretty accurate science. Add to that the dental records and it's just not a mistake they should have made.”

There's a flicker of a thought that filters through Noah's mind, sinister and dark, but he shoves it aside for the moment. They need to focus on the positive. Holden alive and back with them.

Reid's hand touches Noah's forehead and he frowns. “You should have probably gotten out of the wet clothes, Noah.”

For some reason it makes Noah laugh, makes him double over and when he catches the slight redness in Reid's cheeks, he loses it even more. It's stress relief. He's been running on adrenaline and caffeine for the last few hours.

“Don't strain anything, Mayer.”

Noah wipes at his eyes and shakes his head. “It's just – something Luke once said to me.” When Reid raises his eyebrow in question, Noah waves his hand at him, shrugging. “He said once we couldn't even do a break up right.”

“He has a point. I've never known two people who still felt the way you two do, act the way you do.”

Noah doesn't acknowledge what that could mean.

“Did everyone seem calm?”

Reid nods. “Luke and his siblings are thrilled. They don't want to leave Holden's side, no matter how much I keep saying that he needs his rest.”

“Understandable, though.”

Reid rolls his eyes. “I suppose. Lily seems to be fairing alright. I insisted she lay down. She's already had enough problems with her pregnancy.”

Noah winces. “That has to be a conversation she's not looking forward to.” He looks over at Reid and tries to keep back the grin that wants to spread across his face. “Damian know yet?”

Reid doesn't hide his own glee at all. “Indeed he does.”

“How'd he take it?”

“Not well at all.”

Noah pumps a fist into the air and gets a real laugh from Reid. “Serves him right.”

“I think I might sympathize with Damian a little on this.”

Noah makes a face at Reid who tilts his head to meet his gaze. “It's hard to compete with the love of someone's life.”

Oh, this is not a path they want to thread.

Noah simply nods, hmmms in response but Reid isn't finished yet and when he stands Noah looks up to see his face as he says, “It's why I never tried.” He gives him a meaningful look, pats Noah's shoulder and walks back into the house.

Noah thinks he might not like him as much as he thought.

 

\--

 

Luke can't stop looking at his dad. He sits as close as he can without getting in anyone else's way. He watches carefully that Holden isn't too tired and when he seems to get that way, he kicks everyone but his mother out. He can see all the questions in his dad's eyes when he sees Lily's slightly swollen belly. Luke knows exactly when they've had that talk. Holden's eyes close off when Damian walks in to claim his wife and Luke grits his teeth.

Noah is in the room, quietly whispering with Holden and they both freeze, give Damian the same narrowed glare.

Luke realizes he actually is the cliche of someone who fell in love with a person who reminded them of their father.

Holden seems to recover quickly and is walking around easily after a couple of days. He hugs Noah goodbye when he leaves and watches them when Luke walks Noah out. Their hug is longer than usual and Noah whispers that he's happy for him. Luke wants to do more than say thanks but it's all he does.

The car disappears around the corner while Luke stands in the drive. He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns, still shocked to see his dad. He smiles bright, hugs him when Holden smiles back, and asks to take a walk.

Luke keeps Holden's elbow in his hand as they walk slowly toward the barn. Holden wants to see the horses, says he missed them.

They're looking in at a few of the new foals when Holden looks at him. “What happened with you and Noah, Luke?”

It's not a question he's prepared for so he stumbles with the answer, giving a weak excuse about growing up, drifting apart.

He feels his dad's eyes on him and sighs softly. Holden isn't easily fooled and Luke had forgotten that somehow.

“I'm not sure if I should believe any of that, son. It doesn't look to me like you two are any less in love than you were before I was gone.”

Luke wants to lie. He doesn't want to tell his dad the mess he made of his life. But he realizes eventually Holden would learn the truth.

So he starts to tell his story, tries to find a way to explain what it was like for him with Holden gone. How he lost his way and when he wanted to find his way back, he couldn't do it with Noah. That to save the love they had, he'd asked Noah to give it up. He talked about the last few years, rebuilding and renewing, the friends he'd made. Everything that was significant in any way, Luke tells his father about.

When he is finished, Holden gets up and moves to the nearest stall, smoothes a hand over Skywalker's mane. “I'm sorry about that. I should have been here.”

“Dad, no, it wasn't your fault.” Luke rises, his voice slightly panicked. That wasn't what he wanted. “All the mistakes I made are mine. I don't blame anyone but me for them, okay?”

Holden nods, asking after a long pause.

“Do you still love him?”

Luke nods immediately. “Always.”

“Then, maybe things can be different now.”

His silence is answer enough.

 

\--

 

 _~Los Angeles, November 2013~_

 

It never ceases to amaze Noah how things change in the blink of an eye. He stares down at the two freshly dug graves, listens to the quiet murmur of the crowd dispersing and drops the roses in his hand on each mound of dirt. The headstones won't arrive for another day but he has the inscriptions memorized, had written them himself. There's never enough room to say what you want.

Ameera and Abraham Parker died November 12th , 2013, killed by a drunk driver on their way home from a party.

Noah doesn't think it's quite sunk in yet. He keeps waiting for Ameera to call with the newest story about what amazing things Chloe Joy had learned that day. He expects Abe to show up at his door with beer and beg Noah to hide him from his excitable wife and equally energetic baby daughter.

The thought of Chloe makes Noah’s stomach clench violently.

When Chloe Joy had been born, Abe and Ameera had asked Noah to be her godfather of sorts. Neither one of them actually believed in that but they wanted Noah to be a part of their daughter’s life. He would be like her uncle. Noah had been thrilled to take the position. He remembered how much he loved watching Ethan grow up and he really wasn't sure if he would be having a family of his own. He knew that Matt wasn't the kind to be satisfied with a house and kids and a dog.

He can't regret that decision even when it's left him where he is.

He thanks whatever gods exist that Chloe hadn't been in the car with her parents. That was something at least.

Turning away from the graves, he sees Luke standing, under the grouping of trees to his right, with his parents and half the Snyder brood. He moves toward them and when he gets to them, they envelop him into the fold, different arms patting and caressing. But he only feels Luke's hands as they wrap around his waist, Luke's face pressed against his chest and he feels free in that moment to let the tears he’s kept in fall.

 

\--

 

“I imagine it's a little bit of a shock, Mr. Mayer.”

Noah stares at the letter in his hand. The one Abe and Ameera had written almost a year before when they'd realized they were going to parents for the first time. He runs his fingers over the pretty, neat handwriting.

It’s less shocking than it should have been.

He just doesn't know what he should be feeling.

Pride, love, hate, anger, fear.

He feels them all at once and it’s overwhelming.

The letter is asking him to step up and take their place. To be the parent, that for whatever reason they now can't be. It talks about his ability to love. His loyalty and kindness when it comes to those in his life. It assures him he will be the best guardian their daughter could have. The best father she could ever want.

It tells Noah that his whole world is changing.

That’s the way it always is with him.

Some force of nature or fate is constantly veering the course of his life from where Noah is sure it was supposed to go.

“It seems they loved you very much, Mr. Mayer.”

Noah glances up at the nervous, portly little man that was Ameera and Abe's lawyer. He doesn't smile but nods at that statement.

They had given him the one thing they loved the most in the universe.

They had given him Chloe.

 

\--

 

Noah continues to pack his clothes neatly into the suitcase, sorting through his mind what he might need and what he could just leave behind. He wasn't sure how much room they would have and he figures Chloe's things are more important than his own.

Storage might be the way to go.

“So that's it? We can't talk about.”

Noah throws Matt a guarded look. He's leaning against the door frame in the room that until a few weeks before they had shared.

“I think you walking out on me when I told you about Chloe speaks for itself, Matt.”

“It was shocking, Noah.”

He realizes that and maybe, it's not fair to Matt but he needs someone who won’t walk out on him the way Matt had.

“I just think that maybe there's a solution you're not looking at.”

Noah turns around and stares at Matt hard. “What solution is that, Matt?” He's angry that he could have been wrong about someone he cared for. They'd shared a life for two years. “Am I supposed to find the parents that threw Abe out when he was barely old enough to survive on his own and ask them to take in the granddaughter they can neither love or accept? Or maybe I should just drop Chloe off at an orphanage, let her get lost in the child care system?”

Matt manages to look guilty and Noah huffs out an incredulous laugh. “Jesus _Christ_ , Matt.”

He watches the display of emotions cross his ex-lover's face, feels a pang because this wasn't supposed to end this way.

“I've been sharing you with Luke this entire time, Noah. And that was okay. I could understand that. Because at least I still had a part of you. But I see how you look at that little girl. I can tell that you love her like she's your own already. That's only going to grow stronger. What does that leave me?” Matt shakes his head, steps away from the door to dig in his pocket and drops his keys on the dresser. “There's not enough room in your heart for the three of us.” He looks directly at Noah. “I know Chloe is part of a package deal now. But – are you willing to let go of Luke to let me have space?”

Noah wishes he could do that but it's a promise he'd break because no matter what Luke would always be first.

“That's what I thought.”

Matt walks toward him, stops when he reaches Noah and leans up to kiss his mouth quickly before turning, disappearing through the door.

It shuts quietly in his wake.

 

\--

 

Noah makes the decision fairly quickly.

He can't raise Chloe on his own. He doesn't know the first thing about being a father. He's barely capable enough to take care of himself let alone a five month old baby.

So, Noah does the one thing he knows he can do.

He turns to his family.

It takes a few weeks but he puts everything they won't need into storage and books two flights to Oakdale. He figures Lily had called in a favor or two when he receives a call from Kim Hughes, a few days before his return trip, offering him a position as the new manager for WOAK. It seems Kim is semi-retiring and needs someone to take over in her stead.

Noah doesn't think too hard on why she's asking and accepts.

Six weeks after Ameera and Abe's death, Noah knocks on the back door of the farm, Chloe cradled on his hip and smiles tentatively when Luke opens it.

His eyes widen when he sees Noah and it takes a long moment before either one of them says anything.

Noah breaks the silence.

“You planning to let me and my kid in there or what?”

Luke grins and steps aside to let them pass. “Welcome home.”

 

  
**|Part Four|**   


 

 _~Oakdale, April 2014~_

 

Settling back into his life in Oakdale is a lot easier than Noah expects and if he'd had the time to think about it, to worry about what it could mean for him and Luke, he might not think that. It's too much to deal with the swirl of emotions he feels whenever he looks at Luke.

He tries not to focus on having Luke back in his life every day. It takes Noah a full week not to want to physically react to Luke's presence at the breakfast table. His defenses aren't quite in place yet, sleep-fogged and pliable, so he would lean into Luke's warmth whenever he was around, stare at his hands as he ate, lose himself in the rumble of his voice as he talked to Ethan or Emma. It was a little like torture of the sweetest kind.

It's simpler after they get a routine.

Chloe and Noah move into Holden and Lily's old bedroom, despite every protest Noah made about it, settle into learning how to live with the Snyder brood. He can't imagine what it's like for a baby. There's always a lot of noise, clutter, laughter, life going on around them.

Chloe thrives in the environment.

She loves the entire family.

He tries not to see more into it when she bonds instantly with Luke. It makes his heart wrench when she grins at Luke anytime he walks in the room, her little legs flailing, arms reaching out for him. Luke's face lights up each time like it's never happened before.

He thinks it should be a disappointment after all the years in California. The parties, press, the non-stop drive of making a film. Gabe calls a few times to make sure he's not coming back and when Noah tells him that he isn't, he sends his unfinished script with a note attached. It says whenever he's ready to make it, they'd be ready to back him up.

Noah hides the script in his desk drawer and only feels a twinge whenever he remembers it's there.

He's not giving up, he tells Case, when he asks him about his dreams.

He's readjusting.

It's not like managing WOAK doesn't keep Noah on his toes every day. He almost prefers the insane schedule of shooting a film, the random crazy of actors and crew then he does having to deal with Katie Perretti-Snyder. She had seen him as a threat from the beginning and it had taken Noah a week to figure out that it was personal more than professional.

She was Reid's best friend. Noah isn't really sure how that could have happened because they have absolutely nothing in common but he doesn't ask about that.

They manage to get along well enough for the first couple of months, mostly because Noah doesn't want to rock the boat so he gives her leeway.

Until he doesn't.

After two weeks of constant interference and outright disrespect, Noah puts his foot down, raises his voice to a woman for the first time in his life, and threatens her for real. He doesn't care what he has to do but he isn't joking when he tells he'll find a replacement.

She storms off the set, makes the staff rush around to find a way to fill the time and they end up airing a re-run.

He comes home early, mood foul, slamming the door before he remembers Chloe might be taking a nap. He looks chagrined at the glare he receives from Emma, apologizes quietly, and feels even worse when she waves it away, pats his cheek as she walks into the other room. He pauses on the stairs, takes a cleansing breath before he makes his way up to his room.

He freezes at the door.

Luke is lying on his bed, Chloe in his arms, humming softly into her hair. When he realizes Noah is there, he starts to smile, stops when their eyes meet, brow furrowing, and mouths, “What's wrong?”

Noah just wants to crawl into the bed, wrap his arms around the two people he loves more than anything in the world and forget that he has to deal with the fallout of today.

Before he can think twice about it, he moves across the room, chucks his jacket aside, toes his shoes off and climbs into bed. Luke's eyes widen slightly when Noah lays facing him, hand reaching out to settle on his daughter’s back, running the palm gently up and down.

He feels Luke watching him.

“Talk to me.”

It's a soft command, firm and Noah responds. He tells Luke about his problems at work, how it's making it harder to make the difference he wants there. He talks about his fear that he'll fail and let Kim down. Let himself down. He keeps his eyes on Chloe's sleeping face when he tells Luke that he thinks he's screwing her up for life. That he isn't equipped to do this.

“Noah. She loves you like crazy.”

He doesn't say anything, just continues to move his palm over her back, brushing Luke's hands as he goes.

“Do you see the way her face lights up when you walk in a room? She's a happy little girl. With a dad who moved heaven and earth to make a stable home. She's surrounded by love and family. Every single one of us would do whatever we had to for her. For the both of you.” One of Luke's hands moves to stop Noah's, thumb caressing over the skin and he has to tamp down a shiver from running down his spine.

“You're not doing anything wrong.”

Noah wants to believe that. He wakes up nights, afraid that he might lose the scrap of happiness he's found now. He didn't realize that it was just that, happiness, for some time. Hadn't known that he'd only been gliding along in his life before Chloe...before coming back home. Before being with Luke in his life every day. He's scared that someone will take them both away. That he'll let that slip from his grasp.

He closes his fingers around Luke's, settles their hands on Chloe's small back, and wishes harder than he ever has that he can keep what he has.

 

\--

 

 _~August 2014~_

 

Luke lowers his head to the table, lets out a low groan and doesn't notice the way Noah pauses for a second by the sink.

“Who knew that a one-year-old's birthday party could be that crazy?”

“You have met your family, right?”

He lets a laugh escape, rolls his head back to relieve the tension, face darkens slightly. “What the hell was Damian thinking?”

Noah makes a derisive sound, glances back at him. “I really don't think he was.”

That was true. A drunk Damian had crashed Chloe's first birthday party in the hopes of seeing Lily. His part in Holden's disappearance had finally proven to Lily that Damian was never going to be the man she needed. The ensuing argument had caused her to lose the baby that was the only link keeping them together. Almost a year later, a divorce, and Lily's intense hatred hadn't deterred Damian.

Luke hoped this time he would actually understand.

“Where did Casey and Hunter take him?” Noah asks, rinsing the plate in his hand before setting it down to dry. Luke manages to get to his feet, reaching for a dry towel to help.

“Lakeview. I think Mom was going to go talk to him. Maybe get him to finally leave.”

Noah shakes his head then winces and Luke stops to glare at him. “It's still bothering you?”

“I'll be okay.”

“Yeah, you could be bleeding on the floor and you'd say you were okay. Come here.” He lets the towel fall to the counter, brings his hands to Noah's shoulders, rolls the skin under fingers as he puts pressure right in the nook where Noah's neck meets his shoulders.

He realizes this is a bad idea.

It's like magnets, the way their bodies come together and Luke finds himself plastered against Noah's back. He can hear the intake of Noah's breath when he runs his hands down his arms, plants his forehead in between Noah's shoulder blades. They've been threading around each other more each day and it's left Luke lost. He brushes his hard cock against Noah's jeans, moans without meaning to and Noah shudders under his hands.

“Luke...”

It's choked off, wrecked and wanting enough to make Luke forget the reasons they haven't allowed this.

They jump when someone clears their throat and he pulls away when he notices Reid in the doorway. He holds up a wrapped gift, pins Luke down with his stare.

“It looks like I might be too late for the party.”

Luke almost laughs at that and turns away, steps back from Noah before he can.

It leaves him feeling empty.

 

\--

 

 _~Thanksgiving 2014~_

 

Noah studies the table around him, feels the warmth and love radiating in the room, makes a face at Chloe when she looks up at him. She gives a peal of laughter, claps her messy hands together and his heart expands twice as much. He's not sure if he can take all this aimed at him.

His eyes meet Luke's over her head and he grins, winks at Noah before spooning another bit of pumpkin mush into Chloe's mouth. She raspberries it out at Ethan who gives a loud laugh, setting her off again.

The rest of the family sit in varying degrees of fullness, chatting quietly or starting the process of cleaning up. Noah thinks he should help but the content state he's in doesn't let him move his feet at all. Meg and Eliza are slow dancing on the other end of the room, their giggles mingled with soft music. Emma and Lucinda speak in hushed tones at one side of the table. He watches Lily and Holden smile at each other, neither aware of that look on their faces. Everyone else has wandered somewhere else and he thinks that he should be careful when he steps into the living room. He's pretty sure Casey and Maddie snuck in there to do things he'd rather not think about. It's just too weird for him even after all this time. He guesses it was that way for her back in the day.

He can't help but watch Luke cajole Chloe into finishing her pie, amazed at how he can manage to get her to do that when no one else, not even Noah himself is able to. Luke cleans off her hands with the damp towel Lily hands him, wipes at her mouth until he's satisfied and then pulls her out of the high chair. Chloe's hands frame Luke's face and she leans in, smacks her mouth against his cheek and squeals out “MyLuke!”

He's pretty sure he's to blame for that. But...

Noah thinks that Luke's face every time she says it is something he can look at forever.

She turns to Noah and points, grins and calls him over. “Daddy!”

The first two words she'd ever said and he refuses to believe Casey's theory that maybe the universe is trying to tell Noah something. Casey's been talking about the universe and destiny ever since Maddie had given him a second chance.

Noah thinks people in love are annoying.

“What's up, baby?”

She grins at him, waves before Ethan distracts her with his new toy. He watches Luke carry her into the parlor, Ethan at his heels and smiles wide. Warm and fuzzy feelings running through him.

He really missed this.

Reid and Tony enter through the back door, arguing over some sport's game and what plays should have been, what was unfair, blah, blah. His eyes follow Reid as he heads to the counter. The awkward moment from months ago forgotten because that's just the way it works with them. There's an inkling in the back of his mind that he doesn't really understand Reid and Luke's relationship like he thinks he does.

He holds back a laugh when Lily rolls her eyes as Reid cuts another piece of pie, biting it off right there, munching with such delight that Noah is sure Reid's real love is food. Nothing seems to compare to that.

“I swear to god, Oliver, you have a hollow leg.” Noah calls out as he walks toward the parlor.

Reid glances up at him, smirks as he half wiggles his left leg and when Noah pauses to stare at him, he says, “Just making room”

The burst of laughter sends a pleasant buzz through his heart as he walks away.

 

\--

 

 _~Christmas 2014~_

 

Luke grips onto the large bag of gifts as he enters the room. He rues the day he lost the bet with Casey.

Everyone yells out when he appears around the corner and he notices Ethan roll his eyes when he sees him.

“I know it's you, Luke.”

Casey and Tony burst into drunken laughter. Luke forgives them because it's the holiday and he has a kind spirit, god damn it. Eliza seems wary of him, sitting back on her mother's lap when he approaches. He thinks this is a stupid idea and that maybe his dad should have done it this year.

It's when Chloe hides her face in Noah's shoulder, starts to cry a little that he can't stand it anymore. He pulls the hat and beard off, flings them to the side as he says her name. At his voice, she peeks out, grinning when she recognizes him. “MyLuke.”

That always makes him want to cry. He doesn't understand how she learned his name that way though Casey suspects that Noah might have had something to do with it. He's right of course but Luke never tells him that. Noah smiles at them and when Luke glances up, he can't help but take in his face, the way his gaze flicks between Luke's mouth and his eyes. He holds his breath, waits for Noah to do something.

It's Faith who says what Luke is thinking.

“Hey. Mistletoe, you two. Kiss! Kiss!”

Luke glances even further up, sees it hanging over their heads, starts to tell his sister to shut up when Noah's lips are on his. He sucks in a breath, leans into Noah, eyes closing with a hum. His hands move up and he's touching Noah's face, sparks of electricity shooting through his fingertips down his arms, legs, chest until the heat threatens to turn him into a pile of ashes.

When he pulls back, Noah's eyes flicker open slowly. There's a lull of conversation around them, like the room is holding its breath.

Luke smiles, wipes his thumb over Noah's lips, ignores the darkening of his eyes and turns to give Chloe a kiss on the temple, her smile wide back at him.

“Merry Christmas.”

 

\--

 

 _~February 2015~_

 

“I don't think that we're thinking this through.”

Reid turns to him and Luke expects that familiar smile that seems to hurt him every time he's on the receiving end of it.

“Don't be an idiot.”

Luke scowls, rubs his hand over his face. “Reid, we've been good. What we have, it works for us.”

“Does it?” Reid meets his eyes, makes Luke really see him and he catches the exhaustion on Reid's face, in the slope of his shoulders. He puts up a good front but Luke knows him better than most. He loves Reid. Not like he does Noah because that's impossible, he thinks. But like he does everyone else in his life. He doesn't want to lose him. Reid helped Luke find his way.

“I care about you, Reid. This wasn't – I wasn't trying to make you be someone you couldn't be.”

Reid nods, shifts so he can face Luke. “I know that. And you know I care about you. But I was trying to hide.” His face twists into a mix of pain and resignation. “I couldn't face not having what I wanted.”

Luke doesn't know all the details about what went down between Reid and Chris Hughes. He knows enough to think that neither one them had been ready for the hugeness of what love could be. He still isn't sure how that could work. Chris Hughes' coming out was an even bigger deal than Luke's. Maybe because it had happened so late in life. Because he'd hidden that part of who he was away and Luke thinks Chris might have actually succeeded in keeping it that way if Reid hadn't shown up in town.

“Is he willing to be with you?”

Reid shakes his head. “It's not about Chris. It's not even about Noah.”

Luke looks skeptical. “Then what is it?”

“We were never meant to be anything more than the friends we are, Luke. Whatever happened with us was born out of loneliness. It's not what it turned into because –“

Luke reaches for Reid's hand, clasps it in his. “Yeah.”

He leans his head on his friend's shoulder. “If I ever made you feel less...”

Reid's shoulder shakes and he presses back against Luke. “Not possible, Snyder.”

“How did I mange to put up with you this long?”

“The sex was pretty fucking good.”

Luke laughs, buries his face in Reid's sleeve but doesn't say anything. After a minute, Reid nudges him and he looks up.

“It's different now, Luke. You know that. He's not the reason you won't make it. At least not in the same way.”

Luke doesn't respond.

 

\--

 

 _~April 2015~_

 

Noah remembers that it's wrong to think your life is going perfectly when Chloe gets sick.

At first, he doesn't worry about it more than he normally would. She's had colds before and it's that time of year.

That changes quickly when her fever spikes and she throws up all over Luke. He rushes downstairs to call Reid while Luke draws a cool bath, tries to bring down her temperature. Chloe cries harder than Noah has ever seen her cry before. She calls for him between giant gulps of air and he holds her tight. When she falls silent, he doesn't think twice, runs down the stairs. He stumbles and Holden catches him, grabs Chloe before she falls, and Noah wants to resist. He can't let go of her.

“Let me drive, Noah.”

He doesn't argue, rushes into the backseat and Holden places Chloe on his lap, belting them both in. Luke sits next to him, one hand on Noah's arm the other on Chloe's head, threading fingers through her damp hair.

Reid is waiting in the ER when they come to a stop at the entrance. He reaches in for Chloe and turns, disappearing through the doors. The rest of the hour is a blur of papers to fill out, staring at the moving hands of the clock, and cups of stale coffee. The only constant comfort he has is Luke's hand on the back of his neck, his thigh, his back. It keeps him grounded.

When Susan and Reid come through the swinging doors, Noah knows from their faces that it's not good news.

Chloe has a bacterial infection, it spread to her liver and kidney. They think they've caught it in time and hope the aggressive round of antibiotics they've administered will get it under control. Reid takes Noah aside and lays it down in his blunt way, hand on his shoulder the only show of their friendship. He squeezes when he says that the infection might have damaged some of Chloe's organs. They won't know until it's cleared up.

She hasn't woken up yet and Reid doesn't know when she will. Her little body is exhausted.

“She's a fighter, Noah.”

He nods blankly, asks if he can see her. When he passes Luke, he stops and holds his hand out. Luke pauses before grasping it tightly and Noah leads them both to the room. His shock to see Chloe, hooked up to so many different machines, isn't something he can explain.

He moves haltingly closer, sits on the chair provided and holds her little hand in his. “She looks so small.”

Luke's hands fall on his back, chin resting on Noah's head, he whispers reassurances between kisses. Noah lets them flow over him.

“I should have seen it.”

“Noah.”

“I'm her dad. I should have paid more attention.”

Luke kneels down, takes Noah's chin in his fingers and makes him meet his gaze. “You are a good father, Noah Mayer. You love Chloe and she loves you. This -” he waves around them “- is not a situation anyone can predict, okay?”

Noah nods, tears falling and Luke buries his face in Noah's chest, holds him through the useless feelings.

Chloe doesn't wake up in the next three days and Noah's hope leaves him in increments. He talks to her, tells her the silly stories she likes to hear. Brings the cards Ethan makes her and places them where she can see them when she opens her eyes. He only leaves in fifteen-minute breaks until finally Luke walks in the room, followed by Lily and Emma, holding an overnight bag in her hands.

Reid makes up the end of what Noah thinks is an intervention.

“I'm not leaving.”

Reid gives an exasperated sigh, reaches for Noah's arm and hauls him up. “You're not going to be any good to her when she does wake up, Noah, if you're admitted here for exhaustion.”

He starts to argue and Luke raises an eyebrow getting his attention. “Don't think he won't do it, Noah.”

They stare hard at each other until Noah can't take it anymore, his shoulder's slumping and he brushes a hand through Chloe's hair, bends to kiss her head, and whispers, “I'll be back soon, baby.”

He steps out of the room with Luke on his heels. They walk to the car in silence. They drive with no words said. His eyelids droop as they pass the quiet streets and by the time they reach Lily's house, Noah can barely keep his eyes open. Luke guides him to the bedroom, sits him down and starts to undo Noah's shirt. He wishes he could enjoy it more, Luke touching him, but grief and weariness don't let him. He follows Luke's soft instructions, raising and lowering his arms to get his shirt off. Moves his legs when Luke pulls at his jeans. He climbs under the sheets, head on the pillow that smells so much like Luke and his eyes fall close immediately. The bed dips as Luke starts to get up but he's awake enough to snake a hand out and stop him.

“Stay.” He hears himself mumble and drifts off into the dark of sleep.

Noah's eyes flutter open hours later, the early morning light slanting through the blinds. The warmth at his back is familiar and he shifts to get closer. Luke's arm is flung over his waist, his face tucked into the back of Noah's neck, breath moist against his skin. It's like he's back before all the years and mistakes and fear got in the way. His cock is hard and leaking. Noah thinks it's the worst decision to make even as he flips over, rolls onto Luke and brushes their mouths together. He takes his time, licks and bites on Luke's lower lip, samples the taste that is at once the same and completely different. He knows the moment Luke wakes up, his body going rigid and then he melts into the bed, hands delving into Noah's hair, opens up for him immediately.

Noah lets out a long moan when Luke rolls his hips, their cocks grinding together, hot and hard. Luke tears his mouth away, head falling back into the pillow, neck exposed, and that's an invitation Noah has never been able to turn down. He nips at the exposed tendons, laves his tongue over the corded muscles, and grunts out a surprised sound when Luke's hand dives into his boxers, wraps around his dick, twists over the head. They move together in a frantic pace, desperate and hungry. The noises they make are cut off in between scorching kisses and Noah doesn't remember it being like this.

It's Luke's voice that reaches through the haze of want that Noah is lost in. He stops moving, grabs for Noah's head, tugs it up so Noah can focus on his face.

“Baby, your phone is ringing.”

It like a bucket of ice cold water and Noah pulls away, grabs for the ringing cell, breathless “Hello” that cracks as he thinks that something went wrong.

“Noah?”

Reid's voice shoves the last remnants of Noah's desire away. He rises to his feet, looks around the room for his jeans. “What happened? Is she...I'll be right there.”

“Noah. Noah. Calm down. Listen to me.” Reid waits for Noah to sound like he is actually paying attention before he says, “She woke up, Noah. It looks like she's going to be fine.”

He almost drops the phone, turns his gaze to Luke's wide, scared one and then he smiles slowly, his eyes never leaving Luke's. “Are you sure?”

“Susan and I want to run a few more tests to make sure but yes. I think she's going to be fine. You and Luke need to get here. She's asking for you both.”

“We'll be right there.”

He doesn't have to ask Luke anything, he's already moving for his clothes, and Noah thinks that they can talk after this is over.

They can figure it all out once they've seen Chloe, once everything has calmed down.

 

\--

 

Luke can't breathe but he fakes it well. He follows Noah to the hospital in separate cars stating that he knows Noah will want to stay the night. He gets a confused look but Noah only nods and heads to his SUV.

He is grateful for the time in the car to get himself together. What had almost happened between them was like every dream Luke has had for the last few years.

Except it's not real.

The irrational part of his mind tells him that the stress, the fear, their proximity had caused that. That it wasn't Noah that wanted Luke more than it was that he needed someone to ease all the pain he was having. His more rational side tells Luke he's being a coward and is looking for an excuse.

He doesn't listen to that side often unfortunately.

They reach the hospital and Noah tugs Luke along, rushes past everyone waiting around Chloe's room and when they enter, they find her sitting in Holden's lap, pointing a picture in the book he's reading her.

“That's a horse, Grandpa.”

Holden grins big, crinkles his nose at her and she giggles. “That's right, CloJo. Like the smelly ones in the barn at the farm.”

“MyLuke has a horse.” She looks up then, tired eyes finding them at the door, and her face breaks out into a wide grin. “Daddy! MyLuke!”

He watches Noah run to her side, taking her from Holden as he slides out of the bed. When he passes Luke, he squeezes his shoulder and closes the door quietly as he leaves. Luke stares at Noah and Chloe on the bed. There's a tug in his chest, the sharp intense love he has for them wants to burst out and he thinks that he doesn't know what to do with that kind of gift.

He can't possible deserve any of it.

When they look up at him, matching grins of love and happiness, Luke forces his feet to stay in place.

He doesn't know what to do.

 

\--

 

He ends up at Yo's.

He pauses at the door, chokes on the smell of smoke and alcohol, mouth waters instantly and he closes his eyes.

Feet take him to the bar and he places a trembling hand on the counter, looks up into familiar eyes. Joe blinks at him, surprised.

“Luke, what are you doing here, man?”

His voice holds a note of accusation, sends Luke's defenses up but when he opens his mouth all he can say is “I don't know.”

That earns him a different kind of look.

His eyes follow the glass that Joe hands a waiting customer and he wants to tackle it out of his grip. He can taste the yeasty flavor on tongue already, how it would shoot through his blood and push his doubts away.

Turning away, he forces his steps back to the door, opens it and once his on the other side, leans back against it, pulling his phone out. He pushes the speed dial button and waits until it's answered. “I need you.”

Half an hour later, he sits in Java, forehead on the cool surface of the table.

“What do you mean you don't know what to do?” Alan says, sipping his water, narrowed gaze on Luke.

“Did I stutter, man?” Luke bangs his head on the table, keeps one hand on his coffee as he does to keep it from spilling. “I have no idea where to go.”

He looks up when he's met with silence and Alan has that look – disappointed and frustrated. Luke hates that look.

“What?”

“There's nothing to do, Luke. You're doing it. You love them. That's all there is.”

“But I – Alan, I don't know how to handle that.”

“You don't know how to handle what?”

“Love.”

Luke thinks it's ridiculous but it's the truth. For all the times he accused Noah of not knowing love, of not being able to accept it, it was him in the end who didn't. He wanted too much and, when it was perfect, he couldn't handle it. His father's “death” had proved to him what he thought he knew: everything he loved was taken away from him.

“I don't think I follow.”

“I love them too much. I'm not supposed to have that.”

“Says who?”

“The world! My past! I fuck it up every time.”

Alan shakes his head, leans forward, and grabs Luke's hands. “Nothing is guaranteed in life, buddy, okay? Yeah, it sucks sometimes. We make mistakes, hurt the people we love but that doesn't mean we don't keep trying.”

He makes Luke look at him.

“Do you know what made you go into Yo's today? It isn't loving them. It's the fact that you aren't letting yourself love them. Keeping that kind of emotion in, Luke. It's not good.”

It makes sense but he can't get past that image in his head of what Noah would look like when Luke disappoints him again. He can't survive the same look on Chloe's face.

“They're better off.”

Alan stares at him hard, nods slow. “If you can't see how wrong that is, then maybe you're right.”

 

\--

 

 _~October 2015~_

 

He waits six months for Luke.

Noah thinks that's long enough to let him sort out his feelings. Their lives go back to what they were before Chloe got sick. Her second birthday passes without incident and Noah breathes a sigh of relief. He can't take any more drama than what they already have on a daily basis. It's never boring living in Oakdale.

They all have to recover from the huge storm that they get swept into when Reid and Chris go public with their relationship. Alison has especially taken it hard since she'd been holding hope when Chris had broken up with Katie abruptly. Noah tries to warn her but she doesn't listen.

It's actually Katie that causes the most problem.

Noah's not sure if the friendship she had with Reid will recover from it but he's happy for his friend. Reid smiles more now than Noah remembers him ever doing before. Which actually means once every couple of weeks as opposed to every blue moon.

The Hugheses are taking it as well as they could.

He'd tried to gauge how Luke felt about it. Two years with Reid had been significant for him. He had seemed the least surprised in the end.

Noah figures he knew more than he's letting on.

So, life goes on.

Chloe recovers beautifully and is running around the farm, coming into her version of the Terrible Twos and Noah winces when Emma pats his shoulder and tells him that she's actually not so bad.

He really can't imagine.

He keeps busy, the station expanding with some new shows. He undertakes re-painting the barn and cons Aaron into helping him. It becomes a huge project with several Snyders helping in varying degrees. It's sort of what they do.

And he waits.

It has to be Luke's decision. This is clear and he repeats it to himself any time he finds his gaze wandering to Luke's hands, his mouth, his face. He leaves the door open. Luke just needs to walk through it.

He can wait.

As long as Chloe is happy, as long as they're moving to the same point together, Noah thinks he can wait.

Until Casey tells him about Yo's.

“Joe told me he didn't actually drink, Noah.”

Noah swallows. “When was this?”

Casey looks uncomfortable and says. “Back when Chloe was in the hospital?”

Something feels like it breaks and Noah closes his eyes. Luke won't tell him anything but he knows someone who will. He had felt Luke slipping away and he should have known.

“I can't tell you what we talked about, Noah, you know that.”

He nods at Alan. “I know.” Alan relaxes and Noah says quietly. “He's scared, isn't it? That's what drove him?” He doesn't need Alan to answer, the look on his face is enough.

That was all Noah needs.

He doesn't know what to do but he knows that he needs some distance. When he gets a call from Gabe offering him a position as head of their production company, Noah takes it. The contract is for a year while Gabe and his partner film their documentary. He thinks it's enough time for them.

He breaks it to Holden first because he's going to need someone to back him up when he takes Chloe away.

Holden takes it as well as Noah expected.

“This isn't your best idea, Noah.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

“Don't give me that, kiddo. You know Lily is going to freak out. Mama is going to cry for weeks. And Luke...Luke is going to get really mad at you.” Holden gives him an assessing look. “I assume you didn't even talk to him about it, did you?”

Noah shakes his head. “He's scared.” He holds his hand up and Holden waits. “This isn't...it's not like before. When I left because he couldn't love me without it hurting him. He loves me. I know that. He adores Chloe. But this has to be Luke's decision. I can't force him to be with me when he's not ready for it. Even if it's what he wants. He needs to be able to trust that he deserves it.”

Holden shakes his head. “And you think you leaving will do that?”

Noah nods. “Luke has changed a lot over the years but he is essentially the same stubborn boy I met. If you push him, he resists. If you let him be, he finds his own way.” Noah smiles as he looks at Holden. “He lost his way once before because I couldn't let him do that. I don't want to make that same mistake.”

Holden wants to argue but he can't. Noah was right.

Luke has to come to this on his own.

He has to believe.

 

\--

 

 _~January 2016~_

 

Luke wishes he could stay angry with Noah for more than a week at a time. It would have made it so much easier to not participate in letting him walk out of his life. No matter how many times Noah told him that it wasn't the case, Luke is pretty sure it is. He's moving back to California. For a year, maybe more.

And he's taking Chloe with him.

He almost smiles when he thinks how his mom and Emma had tried to get Noah to let them keep her. He had stayed out of that argument because anyone who saw Noah with his daughter knew better.

When he'd announced his plans, the family had cleared the room at the look on Luke's face. It hadn't been a pretty fight and Luke regrets a lot of things he said but in the end what Noah said to him actually managed to get through.

It was all Luke's decision.

If he had been ready right then, Noah would have stayed. It wouldn't have mattered what job he had or where they lived, he would stayed for Luke.

He realizes that he might be lying when he says he's not. He's letting his fear get the best of him but there's too much at stake. Noah loved him despite the years that had passed. Chloe was everything good that could happen to Luke. But they weren't his and he couldn't take the chance on what he could do to them.

“You need to believe.” Noah says to him, hands buried in his pockets. “I'm going to be waiting when you get to where I am.” He leans down, kisses his mouth hard and rubs his face against Luke's cheek. “Get ready for us, baby.”

He closes his eyes and watches him walk around to the driver's side of his rented truck. He moves to the open back door and leans across the expanse of the seat to drop kisses on Chloe's head, through the fabric of her purple and pink hat. “I love you, CloJo.”

She grins up at him, brings one hand to her mouth and makes a smacking noise. “Right at you, MyLuke.” When he starts to move away, she makes a sad sound and he touches their heads together.

“I promise I'll get there, sweetie. I swear.” His eyes finds Noah's in the rear view mirror, catches the way they glint softly with everything they haven't said yet but he thinks they will.

He backs away, closing the door, and patting the side of the truck to let Noah know it's ready to go.

Luke watches from the porch as the truck winds down the road, disappears around the corner until all that's left is the tracks in the snow.

 

  
**|Part Five|**   


 

 _~Pasadena, August 2016~_

 

He doesn't fool himself into thinking this is going to be in any way easy for either of them. It's different this time around, the move from Oakdale to California feels more like he's running away as opposed to moving toward his future. This isn't the life he wants but it's not his call. At least not yet.

Noah hopes that will change.

What makes it ten times worse is that Chloe, no longer a baby but a little girl who knows her mind scarily well, doesn't understand why they left the only place she knows as home and the people who are family. She misses Emma and Lily, asks every day for Natalie and Ethan and cries for Luke. It breaks Noah's heart and he tries to explain it as best he can. He tells her it's not permanent, at least that's not the plan, and they would be visiting soon.

It's really not much comfort to a three-year-old.

It takes him three months to find a semi-solution to the problem. He goes through nannies like tissue paper. The problem isn't them. Chloe doesn't want anyone but Emma to take care of her. She doesn't think any of them are as nice as Grandma Lily or as funny as Aunt Natalie. No one is as cool as Aunt Faith. They can't braid her hair like Sage could.

He tries to switch tactics and starts interviewing male nannies. Noah figures they have a better chance with Chloe.

No dice.

None of them can play the guitar like J.J. Or know how to tell a joke like Ethan. She only likes the way Uncle Casey gives her piggy back rides. They are too little, or too big, or they don't smell right.

(“What in the world _are_ they supposed to smell like, peanut?”

“Like hay and coffee and apples. Like Grandpa, Daddy.”

Her voice is lined with patience even as she rolls her eyes at him, eyebrows coming up in a way that so reminds him of Luke that he has to look away.)

When the agency sends an interviewee with blond hair and a huge smile, Chloe looks so heartbroken, her eyes filling with tears, that Noah almost packs up and moves home. But that wouldn't work. He's doing this for all of them. He promises her, hugging hard and rocking her gently while she sniffs against his chest, that no one would ever replace her Luke.

He knows that he shouldn't let her get away with it. But he also knows she's never been a spoiled kid. Until the move, she had been (according to Emma) one of the most easy-going little girls. Noah understands that it’s more a symptom of having taken her away from everything she knew. So, he tries harder to find someone that will make her happy.

When he does, it’s thanks to Luke.

Because. Really.

Luke's call comes at the perfect time. Noah’s ready to, literally, throw his own tantrum. He answers the phone with a gruff greeting and proceeds to rant for five minutes until he doesn't have the breath to continue.

“Wow. Take it easy, cowboy.”

Noah closes his eyes and inhales deep. “I'm at my fucking wit’s end here, Luke. This is not my daughter. I have no idea where my sweet little girl went.”

There's a long stretch of silence and he realizes Luke might be trying to cover up his laughter. “Do not make me come out there, Luke, and kick your ass. You have no idea.”

Luke makes comforting sounds and Noah can almost feel him when he whispers quiet words of encouragement. It's like having him near – almost like a touch to his skin – and he leans his head on the wall behind him, takes it all in.

“I think I may have found you what you're looking for.”

Noah's heart leaps with joy.

“Her name is Anna and I think you’re going to love her.”

He ignores the stab of disappointment and listens as Luke talks.

Luke tells him about Anna Vasquez. She and Faith had been friends since kindergarten, best friends since high school but they'd lost touch since then. He doesn't go into the details but Noah remembers vaguely about Anna being kicked out of her house by her parents when they'd found her with a girl. They'd sent her to an aunt in Wyoming and they'd lost contact with her.

She'd called the house, from a bus station in Chicago, asking for Faith's help some weeks before. They'd found her half-starved and beaten. Luke doesn't know for sure but they think it was her family who'd done it. Noah closes his eyes. The horrors of the world, the things people who are supposed to love you can do, still manage to surprise him.

“She was always great with the kids, Noah. And she's sweet, if more quiet than she used to be, I think maybe...”

So he picks her up at the airport two weeks later and when he sees her for the first time, he can recognize the happy girl she once was under the quiet, sad stare. Her dark hair cut short where it used to be shoulder length. Small frame now way too thin and he feels a need to wrap her up, feed her, help her. He can understand why Luke had been so adamant about her. The Snyders have a protectiveness streak a mile wide and Grand Canyon deep (he thinks it's something they pass on to even their adopted family members).

He's not sure whether it will even work out but he'll give it a try.

When he finds Chloe and Anna at breakfast the next morning, dressed and ready for the day, giggling, his heart lightens considerably. He hears Anna telling Chloe a story about when she and Faith were younger. Something about monkey bars that he can't quite make out. He drinks his coffee, hides his smile, before he turns to his daughter.

“ChloJo, you ready?”

She gives him a wide, happy look, and smiles. “Can Anna take me to daycare, Daddy?”

And that was all there was to say.

It's been four months and everything worked out for them. Anna brings a sense of home for Chloe (and Noah), someone who connects them to the people they love.

“What are you doing, Chlo?” he hears Anna say, laughter in her voice.

He glances up, turns off the mixer, and raises an eyebrow when he sees Chloe standing on a chair, head bopping to some music only she can hear. He exchanges a grin with Anna, who wipes her hands on her apron. “You gonna be like this all day tomorrow, Dancing Queen?” Noah asks and Chloe turns to him, nods her head with a grin and returns to her dancing.

He moves to her side, picks her up and twirls her around the room. “I think that's an excellent plan.”

She covers his face with her small hands, laughs as he smothers her neck with kisses, screeching out “Daddy, stop! Daddy!” He drops another kiss on her temple and then sits her down on the chair. “Let's keep the dancing to the floor, please. I don't think you'd like an emergency trip to the hospital?”

Anna looks over from the counter where she had taken over Noah's cake making. “That would kind of suck, kid.”

Chloe nods, sighs deeply, and scrunches her nose. “Okay.” He doesn't know how in only two years of living with Luke she had picked up so much of him. It scares Noah sometimes.

The doorbell rings out and Noah looks up at the clock, then over at Anna. “Is Holly coming over?”

Anna blushes slightly and Noah bites back a grin because he remembers how that feels. “She had a shift at the video store tonight.”

His brow creases as he wipes his hands on a kitchen towel, drops it on the counter, and he makes his way through the house to the front door. He lucked out when he'd found this house in a quiet family neighborhood in Pasadena. After living on the farm for so long, he was sure Chloe wouldn’t have wanted to live in the middle of the noise that was Los Angeles. It was big and spacious, some of the original woodwork still in place. It felt more like home than anything else he'd looked at.

He reaches the door, thinks he might have to look into replacing it with one that has a peephole, twists the handle and opens it slowly.

Golden brown eyes stare back at him and Noah's heart jumps into his throat when the amused light in them changes into something darker, lips twitching up in a self-satisfied smirk. He knows he's standing there like a moron but –

“I think you broke him, Luke.”

Noah hears Casey, blinks and glances beyond Luke, everything else having fallen from his focus, and his mouth drops open slightly when he realizes that half of Oakdale is on his front steps. Natalie and Ethan wave from where Lily holds on to their shoulders. Holden smiles from just beyond with an amused Faith who gives him a thumbs up. Casey raises his arms above his head and calls out to Noah. Right behind him Tony, Reid and Chris rolls their eyes and start laughing.

His gaze falls back on Luke, smug grin on his beautiful face. “You gonna let us in?”

Noah grabs at him, fingers digging into the leather of Luke's jacket and pulls until Luke is flush against him. Noah's mouth drops to Luke's ear and he whispers, “I missed you, baby.” Luke puffs out a happy laugh, hands gripping Noah tighter. He understands what that means and Noah pushes back, drops a quick kiss to the corner of Luke's mouth.

“Hey!” Casey says, stepping up to them. “Save some for me, will you?”

Noah laughs hard and proceeds to haul Casey in for a hug.

 

\--

 

Luke stands back while everyone greets Noah, flexes his hand on the handle of his carry-on, counting as he breathes. His physical awareness of Noah is like a punch to his gut and he needs to steady himself. His gaze studies Noah, the way his jeans fall over his hips, the tightness of the blue cotton shirt over his chest, nipples tight--

And he did not just think that.

He glances around to see if anyone could read it on his face and finds Reid watching him as Chris buries his face in Reid's shoulder, his own shaking with what Luke assumes is laughter. When he pulls away, dimples flaring, blue gaze meets Luke's as he says, “You seriously need a poker face, man.” He touches Reid's jaws with his fingers, glancing over at him. “You gotta learn from the master here.”

Reid rolls his eyes but Luke doesn't miss the quick flare of something. He gives Chris a baleful look that gets lost when Chris grins, leans up to kiss him. The transformation on Reid's face is immediate. Luke snorts and follows the crowd into the house, saying over his shoulder, “Yeah, I think the master might be losing his touch.”

He can hear the commotion in the kitchen, voices rising as they talk over each other and he drops his bag at the entrance. He glances around the huge foyer, gaze falling on the framed pictures that line the walls and tables.

“Luke!”

He turns as a ball of energy runs at him, bends to pick Chloe up and rain kisses on her upturned face. She grins at him wide, arms thrown around his neck and Luke's heart expands.

“What are you doing here, Luke?”

He leans in, rubs his nose against hers and laughs when she scrunches her face, imitating his actions. “You think I was going to miss your birthday, CJ? Not a chance.”

He looks over to see Noah leaning against the entrance to the kitchen. He sends Luke that slow burning smile that makes his knees weak.

This might have been the best idea he'd ever had.

 

\--

 

Noah can't decide if this is the best thing that has happened to him in months or if it's the worst torture ever.

Two days of warmth and family and everything he misses right there for the taking, for him and Chloe. He loves to hear what he's missed, to watch their faces as they retell their stories. It's the little bits of who they are that he realizes make him think of home. The lilt of Faith voice as she talks about JJ and their band, how they plan to play the college circuit. Nat's eyes, shining and bright, as she tells Noah about her victory at the semi-finals. He watches Lily and Holden exchange looks, touches where they think no one can see. Casey's whole face lighting up when Maddie arrives unexpectedly the morning of Chloe's birthday. Reid's hand rubbing at the back of Chris' neck when he tenses at the mention of Katie, how Chris leans into it unconsciously.

There's so much love and happiness around him that Noah has a hard time believing it's real.

And of course, there's Luke.

Luke, who keeps touching Noah's face, hands, shoulders, thighs, hair...anything he can reach. Luke who gives him that wide, happy smile that hasn't been there in years. Luke who takes Noah's daughter into his arms and slow dances with her across the living room floor, makes her giggle, makes her eyes sparkle. He watches them sitting together, talking quietly, Chloe's small fingers tracing Luke's bigger ones. She leans her head back, snuggles into his shoulder as she yawns, glittering birthday tiara sitting crookedly on her mussed hair.

Noah turns to look away because the sight is enough to melt him into the floor. He walks through his house, side-stepping the air mattresses scattered all over his front room (the purchasing of said mattresses is going to be a story he thinks Casey will be telling for a long time coming). He glances into the den as Holden pulls out the fold up bed from the couch. Reid and Chris are stacking dishes and glasses into the dishwasher, elbow to elbow when Noah enters through the swinging door. Reid glances over at him and the smile Noah receives is so striking that he isn't sure what to do other than blink.

Chris looks at him then over at Noah, his own smile plays at the corner of his mouth. “Don't mind him. He's on a little high at the moment because he was right.”

Noah raises an eyebrow but they both shake their heads.

The door opens behind him, Luke entering with a languid Chloe resting against his shoulder and as Noah approaches, she opens her eyes, sleepy smile greeting him.

“You ready for bed, peanut?”

She shakes her head without moving it from its position then yawns wide. Luke gives a quiet laugh, eyes meeting Noah's briefly before swinging over to Reid. “Dad says that he got you guys set up.” He waits for the twin nods of heads, glances at Noah to smile. “Can I put her to bed?”

Noah snorts a little. “Be my guest.” He presses a kiss to Chloe's temple, whispers his love into her ear and smiles when she mumbles it back. When he catches Luke's eyes, there's only a ring of deep brown around black. His body remembers that look and it responds, heat unfurls in his stomach.

There's a clearing of someone's throat and they both startle some. Noah can see the dusting of a blush on Luke's cheeks, grins in recognition, only receives a narrowed glare as Luke walks back out into the other room.

Noah knows from experience it's going to take a while to get Chloe to sleep so he pushes Chris and Reid out of the kitchen, reminds them they have the earliest flight in the morning so sleep is probably the way to go. Chris gives him a hug, tells Noah to call soon. His hand drags across Reid's stomach as he moves to the door and Noah stifles a laugh when Reid makes a small noise. His eyebrows go up into his hairline but he doesn't comment.

Reid stares at him for a long moment. “You really okay?”

Noah knows this is an extension of the conversation they'd had the night before where Reid tried not to sound worried without much success.

He smiles at his friend, reaches out to grab onto his arms and kisses his cheek softly. “It's going to work out. I promise.” He pulls back, lets Reid study his face and whatever he finds there seems to satisfy him. He nods quickly, one hand pats Noah's face before he leans in to hug him hard. It lasts only a few seconds because this is Reid – sentimentally isn't exactly his thing. He doesn't look at Noah when he leaves.

Neither are goodbyes.

He makes a face when his gaze falls on the clutter in his kitchen. Noah folds his sleeves up his arm, sighs and starts the long process of cleaning up. He listens to the sounds of everyone bedding down, doesn't think about the fact that they'll be gone by the following afternoon. He didn't realize how much he missed him – how large that ache is inside until he found Luke standing on his doorstep.

The noise has died down by the time he finishes loading up the dishwasher. There's Lily and Holden's low muttering coming from his front porch. He can make out the creaking that indicates they’re sitting on the swing. It makes him bite back a smile, makes him wonder how long they've been back together and who they've managed to keep in the dark.

Hands reach around his hips, making Noah jump in response and before he can ask, warm breath falls on the skin of his neck. He clutches the counter, knuckles white as the breath shifts into soft kisses, his head automatically falling forward to give Luke more access. He can't think straight like this.

“So, I have some things to say and I just need you to listen.”

Noah nods to indicate he is.

“Nothing has changed the way I feel about you. Which is scary because it should have. Everything that's happened – it's never stopped. I've never stopped. I know we haven't really talked about what it will mean but all I need to know is one thing: are you still where you said you'd be? Are you waiting for me?”

He moans when Luke's fingers slip under his shirt, skimming over Noah's trembling stomach. The words are stuck in but he forces them out. “I am. We are.” He wants to cry when Luke's hands stop, one laying over Noah's heart, the other gripping at Noah's arm. Luke's forehead falls between the curve of Noah's shoulders, breathing ragged and there's warmth there, wetness.

“I'm getting there, okay? I swear, Noah. Don't – don't give up on me.”

Noah moves his hand to his chest, places it over Luke's and shakes his head.

“Not happening, Snyder. You're stuck with me.”

The laugh he hears breaks whatever walls he'd managed to keep erect and Noah turns, hands card through Luke's hair, grip the back of his neck. It's been years since he was here, looking down into Luke's wide eyes. He doesn't know the lines he can cross now, what Luke might be ready for. He just breathes in, fingers flexing on Luke's scalp, scratching softly and when Luke groans, throws his head back a little more, Noah remembers. It all rushes at him, every touch of skin, every burst of light, every taste of breath.

Luke trembles under his hands, Noah feels it through his fingertips, and he closes his own eyes. It’s supposed to be Luke's decision.

He must have said it aloud because Luke's eyes slit open and he nods. “It will be.”

Noah swallows the lump of desire caught in the back of his throat and starts to move back when Luke's arms clench his hips.

“Can you --”

Noah lets his eyes slide shut, breathes through his nose, and drops his mouth to Luke's skin. He doesn't kiss him, can't do it because if he did, he won't be able to let him go. He just leaves his lips there, brushes them up his cheek, leans their foreheads together.

“Seriously, Luke, get here fast, okay?”

Luke's laugh fans Noah's mouth and he grins at the empathic “For real.”

Like Noah had said, it would be fine.

 

\--

 

 _~Oakdale, December 2016~_

 

Luke thinks, for the briefest of moments, that he can be happy.

He decides to work his way there: to Noah and Chloe. When he tells his family that he wants to return full-time to the foundation, Lucinda whoops in a way he never thought he'd see. He starts making new plans, contacts Brian to get his support with the board, and decides to open a headquarters of his own. Noah is the first person he tells of this idea and his enthusiastic cheerleading makes Luke work all the harder.

Buried in charity work, hospital fund raisers, financial papers and every minute, boring detail that went into running his foundation, Luke’s left with so much pent up energy that he ends up working on a script of his last book: the one that dealt with his spiral down. He had stopped work on it when he couldn't see his own happiness. He can now and he begins to pour his hope onto paper. He sends the first draft to Noah who in turn surprises Luke with his own news.

Noah is starting his own production company (he doesn't complain that no one had told him that his father and grandmother were the backers) and he wants Luke's story as his first project.

He thinks about suggesting that Noah come home, contemplates showing up on his front steps with his bags and staying forever.

And then Luke remembers why he doesn't believe in happy endings.

Alan is found dead in his office. His sponsor – the man who'd held his hand when all he wanted was to die – was gone. Jack had looked at Luke sadly when he'd asked how it had happened. No words were needed when Luke saw his face.

Heart attack due to excessive drug use.

It hadn't mattered that Alan had been sober for ten years – the damage had been done and nothing could have saved him.

Luke can't go to the funeral. He can barely get out of bed. He knows he can't look at Alan's wife, at his kids and not lose it completely. And if there was one thing Alan had taught Luke, it was that the world didn't revolve around him. So making a scene at the man's funeral would really have cheapened that lesson. Lily or Holden bring him his meals until Luke stops eating. He listens as they argue over what to do and he feels guilt for doing that to them. He wants them to be happy. Somebody needs to be.

He refuses to take any of Noah's calls, waves away Reid's angry reprimands and winces at the “selfish asshole” he spews out as he slams Luke's bedroom door closed. Natalie and Ethan try to help, bring him treats and sit with him while he stares blankly at the television. There's whispering and worried glances when he stumbles into a room. He has a hard time breathing when they all look at him, eyes full of fear and questions he can't answer.

So he stops going downstairs, stays in his room all day, sleeping away the hours so he doesn't think about what Noah's face would look like if it had been Luke's heart that gave out. Or if they find his body in some alley because Luke can't handle the life he's striving for.

It's been a few days since he got up, the people coming in and out of the room melding into one, and he doesn't even hear them anymore. It's just a mumble of heartfelt pleas and angry confrontation.

The door opens and Luke closes his eyes, tries to breathe deep so they can assume he's sleeping. The bed dips and Luke keeps still. Then a familiar pair of arms wrap him up and his eyes open wide. He grips the hands that come to settle on his chest.

“Noah.”

“Hey. You've been avoiding my calls.”

Luke twists his head, catches the dark circles under Noah's eyes and his heart squeezes because he knows those are there thanks to him. “What are you doing here?”

“I should ask you the same question.” He leans his head against Luke's cheek and lets out a watery sigh. “What's going on, baby?”

Tear sting Luke's eyes and he nuzzles into Noah's warmth, shrugs when he can't find the right words. It's everything. The fear that he'll fail Noah and Chloe. That he'll leave them even when he doesn't want to. That in the end, after all the struggles, he's going to end up alone, because of mistakes he made so long ago he barely remembers the boy who made them. He thinks about taking a drink every single minute of every day and the only thing that stops him is that he knows he'd never be able to come back.

He realizes he's been talking when the tears choke his voice and Noah's arms tighten around him. Wiping his eyes, Luke utters a weary, “I'm just so tired, Noah.”

He can feel the tension running through Noah and when he hears his next words, Luke doesn't know what to do with all the love he has for Noah.

“Then, we'll lie here and sleep until you aren't anymore.”

He pulls Luke into his arms, whispers into his temple. “All those things you're scared of mean something. You love enough to be scared of losing, Luke. And even when that sends you careening towards that escape, you manage to stop yourself. That's how strong you are, baby.”

Luke closes his eyes and lets those words soothe his broken soul.

 

\--

 

Noah had brought Chloe with him and Luke couldn't ask for better medicine. She sits with him while he eats, coloring in her coloring book, telling Luke stories about all the characters. He thinks she's going to be a writer.

“Oh, that's all I need. Another one of you walking around the house with ink-stained hands and voices talking to you. I think your Daddy is going to lose it, ChloJo.”

She looks over at her father and Luke laughs for the first time in too long when she rolls her eyes, saying, “You're a little nutty already, Daddy.”

Noah is so indignant that Luke can't stop the full chuckle that come out of his mouth, rolling through his body until he can't laugh anymore. When he looks up, two pairs of eyes are watching him and he can't help but feel the love he sees in them.

It gets easier every day.

Luke starts to get out of bed and join the rest of the family for meals. He takes Casey's call and feels horrible when his friend cries a little at hearing his voice. Chris brings Reid to the house and forces him to apologize but Luke tells him it's not necessary. What Reid was saying hadn't been entirely wrong. They make up as much as the two of them ever have to and Luke watches Reid join Noah in the corner of the kitchen. Feels the first stirring of jealousy when he reaches out to brush a hand over Noah's shoulders, says something to make Noah laugh.

He knows nothing is going on. Reid loves Chris. Noah loves Luke. That's clear. What he envies is the easy way they get along. How Reid seems to open up to the love of Luke's life in ways Luke finds impossible still.

When the day rolls around that Noah and Chloe have to leave – two weeks after they arrived – Luke is completely at a loss on what he has to do. He wants to make promises, to reassure Noah that he's still on his way, but the roadblock in path isn't an easy one to overcome. It's the same one that's kept them apart for so long and with each setback it seems to grow larger.

For his part, Noah doesn't demand anything, not that Luke ever thought he would. They say their goodbyes, kiss Luke and pack up into the rental car. Noah promises he'll call and then they're gone as fast they came. Luke wonders if each time he watches them leave will be harder than the time before.

He spends weeks reassembling his life. He takes meetings with lawyers to start the paperwork on a new project for the foundation. He writes three new chapters of his book. He goes to dinner with Reid and Chris three times. The girls take him to the movies against his protest. Casey and Maddie insist he come to with them to watch Faith and JJ's first gig at Metro (it's never easy for him to go there but he remembers his sister is the first one to support his crazy ways so he goes).

He takes up riding again, something he'd missed. Luke can't recall how long it had been since he'd actually gone out with Skywalker. It turns into a nightly routine, helps to clear his head from the muddled thoughts that run around when Luke is left with too much time to think.

He exchanges fifty-six emails with Noah, texts him over two hundred times and calls almost every night.

His life is coming back together slowly and Luke should be proud. He made it through without faltering once.

But all he feels is hollow and alone.

That all ends when his father corners him in the barn one evening after his nightly ride.

What Luke has always loved most about Holden is how straightforward he is when it matters.

And this seems to matter.

“What are you doing here, Luke?”

He gives his dad a confused look, smirking just a little. “I'd think it was kind of obvious, Dad.” He holds up his saddle and reins.

“That's not what I mean. What are you doing on this farm, in this town?”

Luke blinks, shakes his head. “I don't follow.”

Holden sits on a nearby bale of hay, leans his body forward, hands clasped loosely. “Your heart, son, it's somewhere else entirely.”

It's what he's been telling himself every night, trying to find the courage to walk out of this niche he made of his life and towards what will make him feel something real. He stares at his dad until he makes him growl in frustration.

“You're miserable here, Luke. What you love – the people that make it worthwhile to wake up every day – aren't here. So all you're doing is wasting time.” His dad gives him a warm look, full of so much they can't say. “It's a precious thing. I know that's corny and probably a hell of a cliche but it doesn't make it any less true. Time –“

“-- isn't what I have.” Luke says the words fast and his father nods in response.

“That's right.”

Luke wrings his hands around the leather in his hands, looks over at the man that taught him so much about who he was and what he should be. “What if I screw them up, Dad? I couldn't live with that.”

Holden shakes his head. “It's a chance we all take, Luke, when we love people. We're human. Sometimes we'll screw it up. If we're lucky we get the chance to make up for it.” He gives Luke a serious look. “They've been waiting for you a long time, Luke.”

“I know. I just – Chloe and Noah --”

“Are the two loves of your life, Luke. They belong to you. Even if you didn't see it before I know you do now. That little girl is your daughter as much as Noah's. You raised her together even when you weren't. And Noah --” Holden’s voice tightened a little. “I couldn't have asked for someone to love my son more.”

Luke was silent.

“You've let too much of your life pass you by, Luke. Don't waste any more of it.”

He spent too long letting his life pass on by. Being the one that events and people happened to. He believed that he would have all the time in the world.

That had been a lie.

His own past taught him that.

Alan's death brought it home.

“So, basically, what you're saying is that I'm a dumbass who needs to get his head in the game and go get his family?”

Holden grins at him. “That's my boy.”

Luke laughs and lunges for his dad, stays in the hug for a long while.

He needs to get on with living.

 

\--

 

 _~Pasadena, April 2017~_

 

Luke pulls his rental car up the driveway, turns off the engine and stares at the lit windows of the bungalow. It took two layovers (he was never flying commercial again and nothing Noah will say to him is going to change that this time), both unscheduled, a fight with an attendant at the airport, and two hours of traffic to get him to where he was.

He's scared out of his mind.

This is it. His whole life sits inside the small house on the end of a quiet street. He thinks there should be more noise than there is.

Luke takes a deep breath, pushes his door open and starts the walk up the drive...

 

  
**|Part Six|**   


 

Luke rubs his hands down his jeans, wipes away the dampness and reaches up to ring the bell. He doesn't even know what he's going to say to Noah when he sees him. He thinks maybe he can start explaining why it took him so long. There are promises he wants to make now, vows he needs to say to both of them and he's ready. He's so ready his body is thrumming with it.

His hand starts to press down when the door swings open and he freezes at the voice.

“Hey, babe, don't forget your jacket.”

Luke feels sick as the face that matches that voice turns and sees him, staring.

“Matt.”

Matt looks equally stunned.

“Oh my god. Luke. What the hell...”

He wants to say the same thing except the words he'd use would be way fucking inappropriate. Luke's vision clouds as the rolling wave of red overcomes him. Matt was in his house with his family. He was standing in the doorway, smiling at Luke like he belonged there.

The fuck he did.

Luke didn't know what was going on, couldn't begin to care. All he knew was that he was going to make sure that Matt didn't get _his_ happy ending. Noah and Chloe were _his_. Luke had no intention of giving them up. Not now. Not ever.

He's a Snyder-Grimaldi (much as he hates to admit it) hybrid mixed with a dash of the Walsh ruthlessness. He could fight dirty and he would use every bit of that to his advantage.

Luke starts staging an elaborate plan, in his mind, that would make Matt go away.

He watches Matt's face go from an open, pleased smile to worried caution.

Good.

Luke clenches his fist, stares him down and for a moment he envisions his fist meeting with Matt's face.

Then, Matt laughs, backs up, hands in the surrender position. “Oh. Dude, no. Whatever it is you're thinking that's creating that odd look of mayhem on your face, squash it. This isn't what you think.”

Luke puts his plan on hold and raises an eyebrow which goes up into his hairline when a tall, dark stranger wraps an arm around Matt's waist and kisses his face softly. “Got it.” Green eyes meet Luke's, furrowing with curiosity. “Hello.”

Luke nods his head, looking to Matt for an explanation and is met with an amused glare. That's what Luke would call it, really.

Matt rests his hand on the guy's arm, nods towards Luke. “Babe, this the love of Noah's life, Luke.”

Those eyes light up and Luke is shaking the strangers hand. “Oh my god. Luke! I've heard so much about you. Noah talks constantly... ow! Matt!” He snaps his mouth shut at the look he receives from Matt.

He looks between the two of them, still completely at a loss, though he thinks that his initial reaction might have been a little off.

Matt turns to Luke and motions to the man at his side. “Luke, this is the love of _my_ life, Daniel.”

Daniel waves at Luke, grins when he sees the relief that must be evident on his face. “Seriously? Cause the guy is nuts about you.”

That sends a thrill through Luke and he can't help but grin back. “Feeling's mutual.”

Matt studies his face then nods. “Good to hear. Listen. We were just leaving. Noah's in the kitchen.”

Daniel nods. “Dude wouldn't let us help even though this whole farewell dinner – ow! Jesus Christ, Matty! Stop pinching me. A ‘Shut up, babe’ would suffice.”

Matt smiles. “Shut up, babe.” He turns back to Luke and waves him in. “Go on. We're going to be leaving before I have to glue Danny's mouth closed.”

Daniel snorts. “I think that might be more of a hassle for you in the long run.”

Luke bites back a laugh and watches them walk down the drive to the car he hadn't even noticed on his way up. They wave once more before climbing in and driving away.

He goes through the door and stops abruptly in the hall. There are boxes everywhere he looks. All the frames that lined the walls are gone. The carpet that Noah had told him he'd bought is rolled up, sitting in a corner of the foyer. Luke's heart beats faster against his chest. Every room is in disarray, boxes half-filled and he doesn't know what it means but it makes his stomach clench.

He hears the distinct clinking of dishes, follows the sound and swings the door open quietly,

Noah's back is to him and Luke takes a second to watch him, overwhelmed at the sight. It shouldn't still feel this way. Like it did when he’d first touched Noah's hand, sparked a love he couldn't have seen coming his way. His gaze trails down Noah's back, lingers on the swell of Noah's jeans and then back up. The hair on Noah's nape is damp from the heat of the water. Noah's humming a tune Luke can't quite place.

He shifts, making a noise when his hip bumps one of the kitchen chairs and Noah jumps. Dropping a glass into the sink, he turns around to look at him. Wide, fearful gaze meets Luke's then brightens and Noah's face opens up, grin reaches from one cheek to the other.

“Luke!”

The kitchen is like every other room, boxes on the floor and table, the rest of the house half packed, Daniel's comment about a party...Luke adds it all together and comes up with a conclusion that leaves him with a weight in his chest he can't bear.

Luke needs to know. He points towards the kitchen door, makes wide movements with his hands. Some people might say he’s flailing. Luke thinks it’s an appropriate reaction. “What – are you – what's going on, Noah? It looks like you're...leaving?” There's a telling break in his voice at the end of his sentence and Noah's face softens. He nods slowly.

“Yeah, we are.”

The tightness in his chest gets worse, almost chokes the next words in but Luke can't – he won't let it happen this time. Not when he's finally here.

“Don't.”

Noah opens his mouth to respond but Luke barrels ahead, walks closer as he speaks.

“Okay. I know. I know that I've taken a long time. And it couldn't have been easy – waiting. I can't imagine what that was like. I just --” he waves his hands in the air, “-- you said you were going to be here.”

“Luke--”

He thinks _fuck it_ and places his hands on Noah's face, thumbs run over soft skin and Luke leans his head on Noah's chin. “I love you. Baby, I love you so much it's retarded.” Noah gives a startled laugh but Luke continues. “I mean, we're talking total-and-complete-head-over-heels-forever-and-eternity-love. I love Chloe. She's the most amazing little person I know. I love you both so much it scares the shit out of me. When I think about the rest of my life, it's with the two of you right there with me.”

Noah's breath stutters in and Luke lets his heart rise with hope because that has to mean something. He forces his head back, gaze locking with Noah's. “So, fine. You're moving. I'll follow you. I'll do whatever I have to so that you'll believe in me, in us. I need you in my life. I can--”

Luke cuts off when Noah surges forward, mouth hot and wet and bruising, hands finding their way under Luke's shirt to grip on his skin. He makes a happy sound and it goes straight through Luke. His hands clutch Noah's head, fingers delving in his hair, and he pushes up into Noah. He wants to crawl inside him. That need he hid, kept buried for so long rushes up and he just wants. Their mouths slant, kiss growing deeper, and, at the first slide of Noah's tongue on his, Luke whimpers. It's everything he remembers but more, more than he thought it had been. The thought takes him by surprise, makes him tighten his hold.

It's all hands, elbows, teeth, skin, and he doesn't know what he wants more. Noah's mouth on him, his hands on Noah, their cocks brush through denim and it's the guttural sound Noah makes that breaks Luke.

He yanks out of the kiss but he keeps touching, runs his hands over Noah's face, brushes them over his parted lips, and catches the gasp between his lips then dives in for one more kiss, two more. Noah flexes his hands over Luke's hips, slides them around to grip onto his ass and Luke's head falls back a little, eyes shutting. “Noah, I know we need to talk.” Whatever he was prepared to say flies out of his head.

Lips brush down his neck, nipping at the tendon of muscles then immediately soothing with warm tongue and Luke digs his fingers into Noah's skin, almost laughs at the distracted “Hmmm” he receives in return. He grasps Noah's hair, pulls hard until Noah raises his head, eyes dark but for a ring of blue. “I think we need to get upstairs.”

Noah touches Luke's mouth with trembling fingers, blinks like he's waking from a dream then nods quickly. “Right. Upstairs. Where there's a bed.”

Luke beams at him and when Noah leads their way out of the kitchen, he tries to plaster himself against Noah's back, hands resting on his hips. He drops kisses on the back of Noah's neck but when they reach the stairs Noah stops and turns around, locks Luke in his arms. His gaze is heated making Luke shiver when he leans in and says quietly, “Unless you want me to fuck you right here, baby, you got to let me get us up these stairs.”

Noah takes his stunned silence as acceptance and encircles Luke's wrist in his hand, tugs him up to the second floor. Luke almost laughs at how fast Noah is moving but he can feel his own hard-on straining against his jeans and understands. They pass a few doors and he remembers, slows down. Noah glances back at him, reads him like a book still.

“Anna and Chloe are sleeping over at Holly's.”

Luke sighs in relief. “Thank god.” He glances up at Noah as he walks through the door he holds open, voice lowering an octave as he says, “I don't think I could be quiet tonight.”

The door closes with a sharp echo and they stand there, staring at each other.

Noah breathes out. “Is this real? I can't take it if it's--”

Luke doesn't think twice. He runs across the small distance and kisses Noah hard, licks into his mouth, strokes over his shirt and down until his fingers land on the button of Noah's jeans. He pops it open, slides the zipper down, and bites down on Noah's lips in one move.

It's like someone jolts them with a thousand watts of electricity and suddenly everything isn't enough. Hands tug at shirts, jeans and underwear fall to the floor, and then it's just skin against skin. Luke groans into Noah's mouth when he drags his cock over Noah's. He laughs, eyes opening wide as Noah hauls him up off the floor and moves them further in the room. The back of Luke's knees hit the bed and it's a tumble down into the soft covers that smell like Noah. It makes him dizzy having Noah surrounding him, every sense aware of him. He can taste the skin on Noah's shoulder as he trails kisses down. Noah's face is a mixture of too much pleasure, a hint of fear but his eyes are such a clear blue that Luke's breath catches in the back of his throat. His cock jerks at the loud moans erupting from Noah's mouth when Luke's mouth takes him all the way. He inhales as he licks up the underside of Noah's shaft, glances up to watch him arch up, hands resting on Luke's head. He can't stop touching Noah, runs his hands over Noah's trembling thighs, relaxes his mouth around the shaft, tongue tasting the salty pre-come on the head.

Noah tenses, jerks Luke's head up, and giggles through his whimper at the popping sound Luke's mouth makes when he lets go of Noah's dick.

Their eyes meet and Luke asks, throat raw, “Lube?” Noah's eyes darken, hold Luke's for a second before he shifts, opens the side drawer by his bed, and pulls out the supplies they need. Luke doesn't waste time. They've taken too long already.

He needs to feel Noah inside, stomach fluttering with anticipation when he realizes he can have him now. Noah smiles at him, runs his hands over Luke's head, fingers playing with the strands of his hair. His eyes widen when Luke pours the lube generously over his fingers, leans forward and works himself open.

“ _Fuck. Luke._ ”

He watches Noah's face as he pushes in one finger, waits until the ring of muscles relaxes and then adds another. At three, he stops, sees the concerned look on Noah's face and bends down to kiss it away, whispers across Noah's lips. “I want to feel you, baby.”

There's a growl from Noah that makes him smirk and he grips his own dick, stroking while he watches Noah roll the condom on. When they're ready, Luke kneels forward, straddles Noah hips and their hands touch as they adjust. Luke shifts, feels the burn of Noah pushing up and he moves down, breaking through the tight ring. They both moan when Noah enters, hips rolling until his head brushes across Luke's prostate.

Noah's hands settle on Luke's hips and he keeps that angle, doesn't speed up even when Luke tries to force it. Long and deep strokes, the heat collecting in Luke's spine, spreading across to his chest, stomach, down his thighs. He trembles when it's too much, when he's close. He leans forward, gasps when the angle changes, and kisses Noah, losing himself in the sensations. He lifts his mouth just a whisper away and swallows, meets Noah's eyes to say, “I love you.”

Inside, he feels Noah jerk, making Luke groan, and then Noah rolls them over, pulling out to shift Luke onto his back. He pushes back in one long slide and Luke arches his back, one leg resting on Noah's hip, hands digging into his shoulders. Noah fucks him hard and deep and fast. He cries out Luke's name when he comes, grips Luke with one hand and strokes in time with his movements until Luke throws his head back, spilling over Noah's hand and chest.

Noah collapses on Luke, shifts to bring their mouths together, and kisses him sweetly until their hearts calm into a steady beat again. He pulls out gently, grimaces when he removes the condom, ties it, and throws it toward the wastebasket by his bed. Luke grabs at him, blinks the stars out of his vision, and sighs when Noah's weight presses down on him. He's warm and safe and so fucking happy that Luke doesn't know what to do with it all.

His eyes are heavy with sleep and he snuggles into Noah's arms. He can hear Noah talking to him and makes an effort to stay awake long enough to listen.

“We have to talk.”

Luke nods. “Mmm-hmm. Later.”

He starts to drift again until Noah's mouth falls on his jaw, words sinking into his skin.

“Hey.”

“Hmm?”

“I love you so fucking much, Luke.”

He smiles as he tumbles into sleep.

 

\--

 

Noah wakes up slowly, doesn't want to know if it was all a dream or if Luke had really shown up at his house with declaration Noah hadn't expected.

He feels a hand snake around his waist, warm mouth pressing kisses over his back and he grins into his pillow. There's so much he didn't get to say, so many emotions, that he's overwhelmed.

He turns to see Luke smiling at him, sleepy eyes warm and loving, hair going in every direction and it's such a sight that Noah barely believes its real. He reaches out to trace the creases on Luke's cheeks.

“You're really here.”

Luke grins and nods, shifts closer to drop his head on Noah's shoulder. “Yes. I'm here.”

“You love me.”

“Yes. I do.”

Noah pauses. “We had mind-blowing sex last night.”

Luke chuckles into Noah's neck. “Yes. Yes, we did.”

He drags a hand over Luke's back, trailing it up and down slowly. “Thank fucking Christ.”

Luke laughs loud, kissing his way up Noah's jaw, and nips at it gently. “You said it, man.” There's so much happiness in his voice that Noah wants to memorize every tremble of it so it'll stay with him forever. He'd taken that for granted their first time around. The way Luke sounded when he was happy. He traces Luke's bright smile with his gaze. Moving closer, he sighs, breath fanning over Luke's head. There are a couple things he needs to clear up.

“We need to talk.”

Luke glances up, cautious. “Okay.”

Noah sits up, leans his back against the headboard, and meets Luke's hopeful eyes. “So, when you showed up out of the blue yesterday – after lying convincingly to me might I add --”

Luke rolls his eyes. “I didn't lie exactly. I was going out of town.”

Noah snorts, catches Luke's fingers with his own, interlocking them. “Whatever. Anyway, you seemed to be under the impression that Chloe and I were leaving you behind.”

He sees the confusion melt into Luke's expression, brow creasing with it. “But – the boxes – you aren't packing up?”

“Oh, no. We are.”

Luke blinks at him.

“We're moving.”

Luke nods. “I got that.”

Noah looks at him askance. “Did you mean what you said?”

“About being here? Yes. I did. I'm here.”

“No. About following us. Wherever we go.”

Luke gets a determined look on his face. “Anywhere.”

Noah smiles wide. “Good. Like I said, we're moving.”

He pauses then locks his gaze with Luke.

“Back to Oakdale.”

The frozen shock on Luke's face is almost funny.

“To be with you.”

Noah waits for some further reaction and when it doesn't come, he turns to face Luke, hands sliding through Luke's hair and holding strong. “You were right. I was tired of waiting. Chloe and I want you with us. Always.” He strokes his fingers against Luke's scalp and moves forward. “I was going to show up at your door and tell you that enough was enough. We belong together and you'd just have to deal.”

Luke expels a low laugh, eyes closing and Noah can feel him tremble in his hands. “I thought I was late.”

Noah shakes his head. “You're a very stupid man, babe. Pretty, but stupid.” He catches Luke's mouth in his, pulls him into his lap, Luke's legs wrap around Noah's waist. He leans up to deepen the kiss, tracing hands over shoulders and arms, until they link with Luke's. They break apart, heads leaning against each other.

“But at least I'm your stupid, pretty man, right?”

Noah's laugh bubbles up and Luke kisses him quiet. When he pulls away his eyes are moist and he rubs at Noah's lips, eyes following his finger as he does.

“You know I never stopped loving you, right?”

Noah nods, smiles wide. “Same here.”

 

\--

 

The sound of running footsteps jerks Noah awake and he glances over at Luke sprawled across the bed. He can't resist the smile that spreads on his face. Leaning down to kiss Luke's bare shoulder, he pauses when the footsteps stop at his door. He tries to remember if he locked the door. The handle rattles but it doesn't budge and Noah sighs a little.

“Daddy!”

Luke stirs, head coming up to look at the door then Noah. He breaks into a grin and climbs out, rushing towards Chloe.

Noah almost falls off the bed in his haste to stop him.

“Babe, pants would be nice here!” He hisses out, scrambling to get into his own.

The handle rattles again. Harder.

“Daddy, I can hear you.”

Luke lets out a puff of laughter as he searches for his underwear and jeans. Noah watches his bare ass move across the room, adjusts himself before he clears his throat.

“Chlo?”

“ _Daddy!_ I told you he was here, Anna. Daddy, can I come in?”

Noah swallows his nervousness and walks up to the door. “Wait for me in the kitchen, okay, peanut?” He looks over at Luke and winks. “I've got a surprise for you.”

He hears Anna pull her away even as she protests and then saunters over to Luke, who raises his eyebrow at him but can't keep in the laugh. He wraps his arms around Noah's neck then kisses him soundly.

“You don't think your kid is going to be happy to see me?”

Noah snorts, nuzzling Luke's neck. “ _Our_ kid, because she's yours too, is going to be stoked.”

“Then why send her away?”

“Because she's a pretty perceptive three-and-a-half-year old. And yeah, I've explained how I love you and that we're supposed to be a family. Not sure if I'm ready to explain other things to her.”

Luke glances at the bed and the room, nods. “Good point.”

Noah pulls him toward the door when they're fully dressed and grins at him. “You ready?”

Luke nods happily.

They walk down the stairs together and Noah pushes Luke ahead of him when it's obvious he can't control wanting to see Chloe. Luke enters the kitchen and in the next second...

“MyLuke!”

Noah grins as he walks into the room, finds Anna beaming at a twirling Luke and Chloe. Noah's heart expands and he closes his eyes, thanking whatever power had given him this. Then, he makes his way toward the two people he loves most in the world.

 

  
**|Epilogue|**   


 

 _~Oakdale, Illinois~_

 

He really hates these things, Noah thinks, flipping the end of the tie over and under.

“You still at it?”

His eyes meet Luke's in the mirror and he grins sheepishly. “What? Am I holding up the nuptials? Casey and Maddie can get married without me.”

Luke rolls his eyes, his own suit perfect like always. Noah drinks him in, watches as he moves across the room and settles his hands on Noah's shoulders. He's so beautiful that it hurts Noah a little sometimes. “You really have to learn how to do this, baby.” He turns Noah around and in seconds has it tied. He brushes his hand down Noah's chest then glances up, holding in a grin. “Noah, no.”

Noah raises an eyebrow. He moves Luke backwards, dips in to kiss him soundly. Luke's hands fall on his arms, tighten as they keep moving.

“Noah, come on.” He pants out, back hitting the wall with a small thud. “We're the best people.” His hand shifts up Noah's sides, digging into his hips when Noah licks a stripe up Luke's throat. “Maddie is going to kill us.”

He shifts back to grip Luke's head, pulls so he can have better access and mumbles into his mouth.

“It'll be worth it.”

 

\--

 

Luke keeps his eyes on the dance floor, blocks out whatever it is that one of Maddie's cousins is saying. He smiles as Casey twirls Maddie around, kisses her softly and steps back into the rhythm of the song without a problem. He can't imagine having that kind of coordination.

At least not on the dance floor and he almost laughs at the thought.

He excuses himself and walks the length of the hall, taking in his family and friends. Reid and Chris standing by the bar, laughing together quietly. Chris’ head falls on Reid's shoulder after a moment and Luke glances away. He knows there are some things he needs to not see. Too private.

His mother cornered Noah and is talking animatedly to him. He catches Noah's gaze and mouths an “I love you,” receives a wink and grin in return. He looks over to see his Grandmother and Bob and Kim chatting each other up. He doesn't want to know what that's about. Faith and JJ are discussing what he assumes is the band with an interested Matt and Danny. Ethan and Natalie are sitting together eating the last bits of their cake. Emma is playing in a corner with Eliza.

It's his whole world in one room and it feels like a miracle that he made it there.

He hears Chloe giggle and shifts his gaze to the dance floor, heart turning into a big mass of mush as he watches his dad attempting to teach her how to dance properly. Her little shoes are on top of Holden's larger ones and they sway together in time to the music. When he picks her up and dips her, Chloe's laughter fills the whole room and Luke feels tears in his eyes.

His dad sees him watching and waves, points him out to Chloe, and he grins when she yells out.

“Daddy! Grandpa is teaching me how to waltz!”

It still catches him by surprise and he can't help the flood of love that rushes through him.

Luke waves back and calls out in return. “I can see that! Good job, ChloJo. You, too, Dad.”

They go back to dancing and Luke settles to watch them. He feels Noah's hands wrap around his waist, chin lean in the crook between his shoulder and neck. He kisses Luke quickly before getting comfortable in his spot. “Your mom ran to get the camera.”

Luke chuckles, hand coming to rest on top of Noah's. “They are stupidly adorable.”

Noah laughs. “They are.”

They watch Holden and Chloe in silence until Luke can't stop the words from coming out.

“She's going to be our greatest accomplishment, you know that?”

He feels Noah grin as he says. “You speak the truth, Snyder.”

He doesn't know how to thank him.

Noah gave him so much of this happiness and Luke doesn't know how to thank him.

“Hey. You know that you make me stupidly happy and I'm so lucky to have you in my life. I wouldn't have anything without you, Luke.”

Tears sting his eyes and Luke sniffs a little. “What did I ever do to deserve you loving me?”

Noah pinches his side.

“You were born, dork. That's all you had to do.”

Luke laughs and his fingers trace the silver band on Noah's finger, his matching one grazing Noah's hand.

“Face it, baby, we're meant to be.” Noah swings him around, moves them towards the crowded floor. “Let's dance to that.”

Luke grins and follows Noah, holds on to his hand, and lets happiness warm him.

That was Noah for him.

Love and laughter and happiness and family.

Finally.

 

 _End._

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is love.
> 
> Feel free to leave here or at [LJ](http://freakykat.livejournal.com/292189.html?mode=reply).


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